Rural Catharsis

If that aint love...

2012-02-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning was a typical morning. After I fed Little Man, Big Love took him from me and changed his insanely wet diaper. He'd already been tending to Sweet One since she woke up around 6:30 and so he was much more functional than I was. I could already tell it was going to be a beautiful day because the sun was already shining! I did a few morning things and then went to do my little workout. (Good lord I couldn't get through the express 1st trimester workout very well. Frustrating.) It probably ends up taking a little more than half an hour by the time I've gotten dressed and then added a few more stretches, but usually I'm done by around 815. Then I hit the shower and get dressed. During all this time, Big Love has fed Little Man his breakfast and Sweet One has been entertained. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Dance, Daddy, Dance!" as her Tangled music plays over and over. Around 845 or so Big Love brings up Little Man (then again, a lot of times the kids have made it upstairs at some point during my work out or shower) and gives him a diaper change. Once I'm done, I feed the kid and get him napping.

A little out of the ordinary was time for sledding. The sun was shining and the kids didn't get outside at all on Sunday so Big Love asked me if I had a show I could watch on the DVR and proceeded to take Sweet One outside to play. I enjoyed Pan Am (what is with showing shows out of sequence? Seriously!), had a little quiet and considered doing the dishes just as the two returned from sledding.

Once all of the winter wear was off Big Love had to kill some time because his socks were wet and Little Man, still asleep in our room, couldn't be disturbed. So Big Love took care of the dishes.

Later on in the day I noticed two stick pins on top of the mantel. My guess is that Big Love found them on the floor, remnants of my sewing gong show, and put them up there so that the kids wouldn't be injured.

This was humbling to me. While I'm not trying to nag or make him feel like, I rarely miss an opportunity to point mistakes like this out to him, making sure they don't happen again. I'm not rude or anything, I just mention it. If he's not being stern enough with Sweet One, I'll let him know. He didn't wash one dish that was on the counter with all the other dishes? I'll point it out. Reminding him that it's annoying and could he refrain from doing that again.

Thinking of this got me to thinking that rarely does Big Love ever point out my weaknesses. I've never been criticized by him unless I've asked for it. He'd stand up to me if it was something really important but for the most part, he'll just let it roll off his back.

I'm a lucky SAHM. No, we're not rich but a flexible schedule does make it easier for me to get some things done. Big Love is happy to take the kids for their first two hours so that I can take care of myself. Since I started working out around 3 weeks ago, Big Love confirmed my suspicion that I snap at him less (although he wouldn't have mentioned it had I not brought it up). I didn't get flowers when our kids were cut out of me and I don't get showered in presents nor taken to restaurants for dinner. (I did want the flowers, but the latter two I'm fine without.) What I do have is a husband who is always willing to do things around the house and play with his kids so that I can have a little bit of time to take care of myself. He drops everything once he walks in the door and plays with the kids. No big romantic gestures, but each day he tries to do small things around the house so that I don't have to.

Happy Valentine's Day, Big Love! You know those things I still manage to complain about? The ones that really don't matter? I'm gonna try to stop. That's your present (after you eat all the cupcakes we made for you)!

A very uncomfortable tight spot

2012-02-12T15:12:00.003-05:00

It only took me a week to get back to the project I had started last week. I had some time today to give this a try today and it was an epic fail. I couldn't get my head through the hole and even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to get the rest of the shirt past my chest. It was all too tight. I think I need a different material. While I was using a knit, it didn't stretch in enough areas.

I always get my hopes up about projects like this. I want to be able to make nice things for myself but so far it has never really turned out - except for a few dresses. Why can I make nice things for Sweet One when I suck so bad at getting things to fit me?

So I'm standing there, stuck in a shirt, half naked and Big Love thinks it's cute so he has a smile on his. I felt horrible. Sad that my attempt to add something nice to my lack-of-wardrobe failed, my hopes crushed and thus killing any confidence I had thought I might gain from a successful project, vulnerable because I'm half naked with my muffin top hanging over and my husband is laughing. I also hate that it means $15 went to nothing.

Maybe I should go and shovel some snow.

A rant

2012-02-11T15:04:00.000-05:00

One thing that really gets my blood boiling is when I read that a school district is doing absolutely nothing to protect the civil rights of their LGBT population. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. I have ridiculous anxieties - I can honestly say I worry that one day my children may fall victim to bullies. I don't know how I would deal with it when it makes my heart break to hear of other children - and I don't even know them! - experiencing it. It makes me want to take my children and put them back where they came from! (I wonder how much rag magazine would pay for pictures of the woman who was pregnant for 18 years with the same child?)

I don't really give a flying fukk if people think homosexuality is wrong or not. (I don't think it is wrong.) Society will probably never stop arguing about this but I do hope that we can stop attacking and hurting people because of it. It is not our job to judge one another but it is our duty as humans to love and respect one another and to treat each other with dignity, regardless of our sexual orientation, race or gender. Why is this so hard to do? Why are children killing themselves because of stupid people out there who believe it is ok to terrorize them for being who they are? Why are parents teaching their children that it is ok to do this to their peers? (I am watching Tangled with my daughter and Rapunzel just shouted "Find your humanity!" Seems appropriate.)

You will probably never find a beautifully worded treatise when it comes to my stance on things. I'm too emotional. I can not remember everything I've read and there is no file in my brain that I can search for quotations when I need them. How I feel about these things comes from my gut. I live in a very conservative area and sometimes I find it stifling. (The friends I have would probably shut off and start praying for me if they knew I believed things as I have just expressed!) Sometimes I just want to scream. But for now, I will leave it at this.

2012-02-10T07:17:00.000-05:00

I just fell in love with this song!

And then I went to see if he had a new album and, from what I can see, it's only a single right now. I love buying albums. In their cases with the liner notes. It's already starting to make me feel 'old'! But if I just call it Old School then I'm kinda cool.

2012-02-07T20:43:00.001-05:00

How stupid am I? I spend 4.5 days worrying over nothing. Because today I got an email. And it's all good. Good lord I'm a moron sometimes!

Not as strong as I used to be

2012-02-06T10:17:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to get some more exercise in my day, even if it is just a 30 minute DVD workout. I remember feeling so strong and 'in shape' when I was pregnant from working out on a regular basis. The exercises in this DVD sure had me sweating and pushing my muscles quite hard. I've been feeling SO out of shape and frustrated with things lately that I thought I wouldn't be able to handle more than the 2nd trimester workout.

Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't get as crazy sweaty as I did when I was pregnant but the exercises did push my muscles to their current max. I did the 2nd trimester express workout and when I was actually in my 2nd trimester, I needed to do the full workout to really push myself. Oh well, hopefully I'll recover some of my strength back soon! I'll give the 1st trimester one a go and see how it is!

Funny thing - I feel less like a dork doing prenatal workouts than I did doing a "Dancer's Body Workout". I can not explain how ridiculous I felt doing that one!

****Warning! Emotional purge ahead!****
I sometimes wonder how much of my frustration with my body is mirrored in a bit of a rough patch emotionally. I'm struggling with feeling like I really don't fit in here. Once again I'm feeling some rejection. At the mom's group I go to last week we had a longer than normal time for our discussion groups. The presentation of the day was about addiction and we ended up having a lot of quiet moments where our 'leader' wasn't doing anything to get us talking and no one else was speaking up. (Even just general gabbing.) Long, awkward silences. I don't well with these and so I will often pipe up and later on feel like a complete idiot for doing so. My friend, who is also in this group, said that I didn't make an ass of myself but I still feel like I did four day later. I had sent a FB message to a woman in my group asking if she wanted to meet with the kids at some point and go for a walk. (She had previously mentioned she has a great hill for sledding and asked if I'd be interested in coming over. I thought "Great! A new friend!") Any other time I've sent her a message I've gotten a response within in the same day but I've heard nothing and it's making me feel like shit. Aren't we supposed to be more confident in who we are the older we get? I'm so sick of feeling like this!

False start

2012-02-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

I don't watch the Super Bowl. I've tried to watch it for the commercials but I just haven't been able to get an entire one watched since I moved here. So tonight I decided not to bother and I spent a chunk of the day psyching myself up to give this a try. I bought the material Thursday when the kids and I needed somewhere to go because the weather wasn't very hospitable for playing outside. I didn't think I'd get to it this quickly but figured if I had the material on hand it might help.

It doesn't matter how simple a project is, if I've never tried something like it before I always second guess myself for WAY too long before I attempt it. But then I realized that I would need something to do this evening and so I thought of doing this tutorial because I have a new lug bag/purse that isn't huge but big enough for basic diaper changing and a few toys as well as my wallet, etc, but it does seem to get a little cluttered. I rifled through my leftover material this afternoon but didn't have what I needed. (I think I'll go and buy myself a couple fat quarters.)

Rather than making a quick run to the fabric store (which is in the middle of renovations and will be twice the size as it used to be!) I went for a walk with the family this afternoon. It was fun because Sweet One seems to be recovering from her cold, albeit not without the 'crashes' here and there, and she was very adventurous. So cute to watch. While we were on our walk I started thinking about whether or not I could attempt the shirt.

I continued to think about it as I was making supper and then giving Little Man his bath. I decided to just do it. As with most things like this, once I get started I'm good. I was wearing a shirt that was fairly comfortable and a similar material so I thought it would be a good starting point.

I finished reading Sweet One her bedtime stories (yes, I'm still the only one who does it) and got to work right away. Sewing machine set up and threaded? Check. Material laid out on the floor? Check. Madonna kicking ass with the half time show? Check. Shirt placed on material? Stop. I had been wearing my 'pattern' all day and it was stretched out without much shape left to it. I figure that if I were to use it in the state that it is, the new shirt would end up not being as good as it could. Shit.

Frustrating because how often do I actually try to do something for myself?! Oh well. I'm leaving the sewing machine out which will help to motivate me and I need to do laundry tomorrow, anyway.

Day 11 is here

2012-02-02T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today is day 11 and Sweet One is sick with a cold so she never got to go with me to the mom's group. I can honestly say that I felt a huge amount of relief when I realized she'd be staying home. I also feel guilty for feeling this way. I'll still be nervous about her going again in two weeks but the idea of having a longer stretch of no biting before she goes back gives me some confidence that maybe she'll make it through the 2.5 hours.

Big Love and the kids had a good morning together and as a mother who rarely leaves both kids at home with their dad, it is good for me to do this and return to a house filled with happy kids and a husband who still has a full head of hair!

Now I completely adore her!

2012-01-31T14:11:00.000-05:00

I loved Veronica Mars. Does it matter than I was around 28 years old when I started watching it? I'll say no. Then I saw this and am even more smitten. I could completely picture Dax Shepard's (I love Parenthodo!) smile as he watched her lose her mind!

Six days and counting

2012-01-28T20:17:00.001-05:00

On Sweet One's calendar she has six days in a row with stickers on them. When she doesn't bite, she gets a sticker. This is the longest she's made it in awhile! A few weeks ago we were up to 5 and then having two other kids over to visit ended up with a bite. She gets a cookie after supper as another reward (because she loves them and is very upset when she can't have one), and then when she covers up 7 dots in a row on her calendar she gets a bigger prize. The first is a little toy Abby Cadabby or Big Bird to add to her Sesame Street Scene.

Every day when I am preparing lunch my anxiety levels skyrocket. This is usually the time of day when Sweet One will bite Little Man because she's not getting enough attention from me. It is very difficult to run between my kitchen and living because in the 40's an open concept kitchen didn't exist. So I prepare a bit, do my best to keep her talking and knowing that I'm right there, then I run into the living to make sure things are ok. Over the past few days I'll often find Sweet One sitting on Little Man's ride on train while he is standing behind it, trying to figure out how to push and then catch up to it! So cute. Such a relief to see them playing like this!

Yesterday I got a phone call from one of the women (I'll call her J) in the mom's group. J is also my stylist and her child was one of Sweet One's first victims! I had a hair appointment the next day so we talked about it a lot. Another role she plays is the co-organizer of the kids program that happens simultaneously to the one for mom's. Up until this point I wanted to leave Sweet One in the 2 year old for a few reasons - I felt comfortable with the women who were in charge of it and how they were supporting us in this biting fiasco, and I didn't want Sweet One to get scared/nervous being moved to a new class with new faces. (I think my fear of being in a room with people I don't know, where I don't feel like I belong, makes me afraid Sweet One feels the same way.) While J has heard my reasons for wanting to leave Sweet One with the 2 year olds (her daughter has also just turned 3 but she's leaving her in with the 2 year olds as well), J and her partner, as well as the woman running the entire shebang, have talked about it and think I should put Sweet One in the 3 year old room for February and see how it goes. The idea is that with a little more structure and less free range playing with toys, it might help Sweet One to not get so overstimulated. The thought did cross my mind a few days before I got the phone call but it still didn't take the sting away. My kid is the problem kid!

I felt sick about it all for about an hour. Nervous about her being scared in a new class, frustrated that I haven't been able to 'fix' this, exhausted from worrying about whether or not she is going to bite someone 24/7, and embarrassed that our problem was big enough that others had to address it/talk about it. Breathe woman! I feel like I haven't been able to fully breathe properly in days because of all of this! All I can do is keep hoping that six days will become 7, and it will keep going until Thursday comes around and I can say that we made it to 11. I want so much for my daughter to make this accomplishment. Please God, send her guardian angel to help her through that time so we can celebrate her accomplishment and I can breathe a little more again. I'm planning on getting her a special prize to help motivate her to make it through those 2.5 hours. And if she does, we will dance and celebrate all. day. long! I will let her eat a dozen cookies and cover her whole wall in stickers!

Insatiable

2012-01-26T09:55:00.002-05:00

Life is pretty good when my biggest problem is that I can't stop shoving things into my mouth. I'm hungry all. the. time. Just finished supper an hour ago? Time for some popcorn. Lunch 45 minutes ago? Time to seaerch the fridge. Or maybe I just think I am. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how recently I have eaten but I seem to be fighting an urge to fill some void in my stomach. I can only equate the feeling to back in the days when I tried to stop smoking. It is driving me crazy.

During the holidays I had done some baking. Each day it would be there in front of me and the amount of cookies and squares I shoved in my mouth was kinda ridiculous. After it was all done with, I had gained 5 pounds. Very frustrating after sitting at my pre-baby #2 weight for the previous 6 months.

A few weeks ago you could have caught me in the bathroom eating Hershey's Kisses at a fast pace, hoping no one would find me. No, I wasn't trying to hide it from Sweet One, I was just a little embarrassed at how many I was eating. As I was doing this, I remembered a story about someone hiding in their kitchen, guzzling a beer as quickly as they could. (I know this isn't a fair comparison and that I can't equate this with alcoholism. I'm not completely dumb.)

This morning I scarfed back 3 gluten free banana nut muffins. They're the size of a regular muffin tin, but still, I felt like I needed more. I went up to shower, got Little Man fed and napping all the while trying to figure out what I might eat next. I made my decaf Americano and was going to eat a greek yogurt but I didn't have any, so instead I ate a clementine. I really wanted a ham and cheese omelet but decided that after all those muffins I didn't need it.

So I'm starting to wonder how much of this is a need for calories because my song is 21 pounds and as hungry as ever, or if it is just a bad habit that has developed out of boredom. (For most of my life, it doesn't matter how big my meal was, I'm almost always hungry a few hours after eating.) I haven't always had the best relationship with food and so I'm trying to find a way to eat well and enough without losing my mind. Once we're not cooped up in the house so much I'm sure it will be much easier not to eat all the time, but until then I really need to fight off the voices in my head that have food calling my name!

2012-01-22T18:21:00.001-05:00

I'm so fancy with my new header, aren't I?

Drowning

2012-01-22T14:51:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I was kicked out of my mom's group early. Actually, it was my daughter who was kicked out because she bit three kids. Three! Since she can't drive herself home, I had to go as well. My second cup of decaf coffee spilling out of my cup because I didn't get the lid screwed on tight enough.

We've been battling this biting stage on and off since the fall and the more she bites, the more I feel like I'm drowning. After those hard few weeks of potty training she went a full two weeks without biting and I thought that we were through that one. I drew a conclusion that the two were connected - the physical strain of what was going on was being reflected in her mental state. Then it started up again. Little Man had more bruises on his cheeks but I did think that it was just a short setback that we'd get through quickly.

Fast forward to last Wednesday when she melted down about an hour and a half into a playdate, followed by Thursday, and I have never felt as lacking in my mothering skills as I do now. I do not know what to do anymore. I am doing everything the references I've found online say and I'm even in contact with the counselor I had in High School because she specializes in kids.

Yes, indeed, these things do come in waves and old habits are the ones we all go to before anything else. Try to imagine her behaviour as a path that is familiar and easy for her to walk. What you are trying to do now is form a new path. It's going to be a tough go and she'll trip over brambles and roots as she begins. But, the more she walks it, the smoother it will be and the easier it will become. And, all the while, the old one will start to become overgrown.

Her words are so wise and bring much comfort but at the same time I'm afraid we'll never get to the place where she has found her new path. As I re-read her email, I try to focus on the fact that there will be a day again where the teeth are not bared. After sharing the idea that stages come in waves, a friend brought my focus back from "this will never end!" to the comforting idea that "waves do end eventually". I needed that, and I continue to need the reminder almost every moment of the day, it seems. I feel like I am being thrown about by this wave; I keep getting tossed about, my head flailing from side to side, desperate to get some air, not really sure if I ever will.

Bring on a snowy day

2012-01-20T14:42:00.001-05:00

Woke up to temperatures of 19F/-8C and brilliant sunshine. I absolutely love a winter day like today. It fills me up and I wish I could spend the whole day outside. I've read some blogs over the passed few days where cities have shut down from a snowstorm. Growing up in northwestern Canada, large amounts of snow are pretty much a regular occurrence and then living in the snow belt, well, 6" in a night is not uncommon. I can not imagine being in a town that is completely shut down because of snow.

The other day Sweet One was helping her Dad get the car ready so that they could go to storytime at the library. The more the snow piles up, the more this kid loves it! She is sad every time we have to bring her in from playing.

Today we stopped at Home Depot on our grocery trip and bought a child's size shovel for her. It is yellow and right now she is holding it while finishing up World Word. She is so excited to go and play. Just another moment where I'm happy $6.97 keeps her so happy! (Shovel was also made in the states, so that's an added bonus.)

On another boring note, I have recently ordered a work out DVD (one advertised on my prenatal work out DVD) and a new pair of shoes. It is time to deal with this body-loathing and get moving. 5 different half hour work outs should be easy enough to do.

Party Dress

2012-01-17T14:33:00.002-05:00

I made Sweet One a dress for her birthday and I must say that of all the dresses I've made her, I think it is the best! I used a pdf pattern for the first time. I was a little nervous at first but it ended up being one of the best patterns I have ever used. The whole time I worked with it I felt like I was doing a good job. The person who made this pattern seems to have found a way to help you have the best finished product possible. I truly loved working with the pattern.

While the dress is reversible I didn't exactly make it to be worn that way. The outer material is a corduroy and the inner material is a cotton knit. I didn't exactly plan to have it that way but I did want corduroy on the outside and the only material I could find in the store to go with it was the knit. I had hoped I'd find a flannel to help with warmth in the winter but the knit seems to be quite warm as well. Unfortunately it was a little harder to work but I managed to do alright. (Making figure skating uniforms for my niece has definitely boosted my confidence in stretchy materials!) The biggest place I had to change things up was on the pockets because the bias tape (made out of the same material as the pocket) didn't work in the knit so I just used a corduroy.

It was fun to watch Sweet One get excited about the idea of her 'party dress'. I'd try things on her at different stages and each time she didn't want to take it off. I had to tell her that I wasn't done. I originally planned on making the dress with one pocket as the pattern is but when Sweet One tried it on she said, "Could I have two pockets, please?" How could I say no to that! And really, that's just one benefit to making the dress yourself - you can do whatever you want!

It is definitely Sweet One's favorite dress. She wants to wear it almost every day.

When I pulled the dress out to take some pictures of it, Sweet One wouldn't let it go so I told her to hold it up so I could get a picture of it!

It makes sense to her

2012-01-16T20:19:00.002-05:00

It was just after supper tonight. Little Man hadn't been feeling well today and so I was happy that he was being entertained by Sweet One as she was playing with her new remote control train. She loves to set it going and then play with other things as it goes around and around (thank goodness for the automatic timer that shuts it down after awhile). Both of the kids like to watch from the sofa or the chair as if they are sitting in the bleachers at an arena.

Sweet one stopped the train. I asked her to let it keep going because it was making Little Man happy. But she was very sure she had to stop it because she needed to pee. "But you can let it go while you pee and Little Man can watch."

"No! The noise might scare my pee away!"

A few small changes

2012-01-11T14:38:00.002-05:00

I've been doing a few things differently lately. Nothing huge, but my inner voice isn't berating me as much as it can tend to.

I used clean in huge violent outbursts that took care of things from top to bottom. (To be completely truthful, it would only get things done about 98% because by the time my two hours of cleaning were done, a few of those items you never really know what to do with were still lying around. I told myself I'd get them later but I never really did. So they sat around for days and pissed me off.) I liked having everything done at once so I didn't have to clean for the rest of the week.

Life with two kids is so different and the opportunities to devote a large block of time to anything doesn't really exist. The house wasn't getting cleaned up as regularly as it needed. The more I felt things weren't getting done, the more stressed out I was. I hated feeling like I couldn't get on top of things and that my house was a mess. I was beating myself up about it too much.

While discussing "busy-ness" with my discussion group at the moms group I go to a week from tomorrow, a woman said: "When I had kid #1 I said, 'I don't need someone to tell me how to clean my house. When I had kid #2 I said, 'I need someone to tell me how to clean my house.!'" I had to double check and make sure that I wasn't listening to myself talk! She mentioned that FlyLady's methods were helping her feel a little bit more on top of things. ". (This was not the first time I had heard about FlyLady. I scoffed at the need to have someone tell me how to clean my house when my friend down the street had mentioned it some time back.) Since this was the second person I had heard about it from I decided to give it a try.

In seven days of following the suggestions I am feeling better about my house. A bit of effort here and there each day and I can feel like eventually I will be on top of things. The house isn't clean top to bottom yet but changing my perspective on what I 'should' be doing (and how) is helping me feel like things are less out of control. - and be happy with that.

Another place that I have made a few changes is with my computer time. When the holiday shopping season was in full swing I was obsessed with checking out the amazon deals, trying to decide which tv we were going to buy and trying to find the cheapest prices for the kids' presents. While my children were never neglected, my time was split a little more than I liked. All this time at the computer did help me to find the deals I wanted but I did spend more time than I needed to, mindlessly surfing the internets. I'd check facebook every few minutes when there couldn't possibly be anything new. It was a little ridiculous. Once I pulled myself away from the computer, I'd blink my eyes a few times to adjust back to daylight rather than the light from my screen. My brain felt stagnant.

Once Christmas shopping was done I didn't know what to do with myself when I didn't have anything to buy on amazon! I continued to check reader and facebook more times than necessary. I was wasting time and my brain was still mush. I'd have more time for things if I let the internets stop sucking it away from me. So I decided to make a change. While I still check things frequently, I try my best to only check them once or twice in a sitting. Once that is done and I don't have anything specific to do I put the computer down. (This is helped greatly by the fact that Little Man thinks the computer is fair game and I need to shove it under the couch to keep it safe!) If Sweet One isn't done her tv show I grab a magazine, I do some de-cluttering or I just snuggle a kid.

All in all, these two changes aren't going to solve world hunger or earn me a Nobel Prize, but they are helping me have a better state of mind each day. And if that is all they accomplish, then it is well worth my efforts.

Sweet One is 3!

2012-01-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Sweet One's third birthday. Third! It really seems difficult to believe. How did it happen so fast?

I want to sit and type a beautiful ode to my little girl laughing at how after months of being terrified the day would never come, she is now potty trained. Why she'll drop her pants in front of the tv and then run hobbled to the bathroom I do not know but will always laugh at. She has moments of being the great big sister in the world - smothering her brother in kisses, running to comfort him when he is hurt, telling him all of her adventures, protecting him from what she perceives as dangers - and then the next she is biting him (a stage that makes me want to lose my marbles).

The expressions and phrases she uses to tell me all about what is going on and how she is feeling never cease to amaze me. I don't always know why she'll attribute them to particular circumstances ("Yes, mother, isn't it wonderful?" after a poop!) but I will always keep laughing with her.

I think one of my biggest challenges as her mother is going to be finding motivation for her to do things. The big stuff seems to need to be on her own terms and that is okay by me. Perhaps it will bode well for future 'big' decisions as she grows and is faced with all the challenges in life.

But really, tonight my brain is not equipped for beautiful verse. Even when she is not in front of me I can see her smile. I want to hold on to every moment forever - well, yes, there are some I want to forget - but for the most part there isn't anything I would want to be different. When I lose my temper and yell, I apologize to her and promise to do my best not to do it again. I hope that she will see this as something to learn from, too. She and I have so much left to learn together and eventually she will spread her wings.... tonight, though, I will read her her bedtime stories and snuggle her for a little while before I leave. Giving her five or six kisses and telling her just how much I love her because in the end, that is the most important.

Yesterday we had a party for her and I made her a rainbow (cup)cake. I was worried about doing the frosting because the last time I tried to pipe it really didn't work. Armed with my sister's frosting recipe (she owns a cupcake shop) I got to work and it was so much easier than I expected. I was just getting onto a roll when Sweet One woke up and she became so exciting about the whole process. I really won't forget it. I was so excited that it all worked out.

When everything was packed up in the car ready to go to the church (that's where we had the party) I went in to grab the cake. I figured if it was the last thing in the car there would be less chance that something would happen. So I was carrying it out (with one hand) and about to read for the closet door to grab a coat when I bumped the banister. I will also never forget what happened next.

Oh well! At least we were able to quickly buy one. The only reason Sweet One got upset was because she could see that I was. (The toughest part is trying to get that damn red out of the carpet. Not sure how successful I will be!)

Happy Birthday, my girl. You make my world so much better.

A recap: 2011

2012-01-03T20:58:00.000-05:00

There's nothing on tv tonight and I was fortunate to have some quiet time this morning while Little Man slept, Big Love shoveled the walk and Sweet One played outside to finish up my latest disc of In Treatment - I can't turn off my brain and so I figured this would be a good way to kill time.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you've never done before?
Became a mother of 2 children as opposed to 1.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more?
I didn't make any. I have some goals I'd like to achieve but I wouldn't call them resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Do I count? I had a baby boy. He's awesome. Really cute and happy most of the time. I can't get enough of him.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I wasn't even allowed to leave this one for a chunk of time.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011.
At the risk of TMI, perhaps the desire to be amorous with my hubby? A wee bit of time for myself to make myself better that could hopefully bring more self-acceptance and self-respect to my world.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
I can recall most of April 1, 2011 in great detail. It was the day my baby boy was cut out of me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My daughter is potty trained. That's all I can think of.

9. What was your biggest failure?
All the times I yelled and lost my temper with Sweet One. Or was mean to Big Love for lack of another place to vent my frustration/anger.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really. Recovered quickly from my second c-section and have a cold now and again. Nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new TV. I love TV. I watch it a lot. We used Christmas gift money to buy a bigger one. Before we had a 27" tube. It sucked. It's nice to have a 37" LCD because then when my daughter is watching Sesame Street, things aren't cut off.

12. Where did most of your money go?
The house. The car. Medical Bills. No fukking clue.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Not being pregnant again. Ever. (Or as much of this is in my control.)

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Not one song in particular.

15. Compared to last year are you...
- happier or sadder? neither
- thinner or fatter? I'm not pregnant anymore. But I feel fatter than ever in some ways.
- richer or poorer? on a day to day basis, the same. But our mortgage balance is getting smaller and so is our car loan. Does that make us richer? Who knows?

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Enjoying the little moments.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Not spent so much time freaking out about whether or not Sweet One would be potty trained. Yelling when I got overwhelmed. Bitching at Big Love for no real reason.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
On the Eve me and the kids went to our friends across the street while Big Love was at work. Then I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love in the evening while Big Love was back at work. Christmas Day we opened presents throughout the day and Big Love went to work for awhile. We had dinner at our surrogate family's house.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
I watch A LOT of shows but if I had to only watch one it would be Parenthood. I LOVE IT! It is awesome.

20. What was your favorite books of the year?
I haven't read anything in a long time but I did really enjoy reading February.

21. What was your favorite music from the year?
I have been listening to the Glee soundtracks. I started listening to James Taylor and I like him a lot.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
I hardly remember watching any. I did love Crazy, Stupid, Love and laughed a lot watching Just Go With It.

23. What did you do on your birthday? How old were you?
Nothing special. I only had a cake because a friend made me one. I was about 3.5 weeks post partum at that time which made it even harder to do anything. Maybe we went to McDonald's for dinner - oh no, I think that was Mother's Day.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not worrying about money so much. Not feeling like I had to worry about money so much.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 2011?
Crap. Overworn, cheap, few. Completely unflattering and depressing.

26. What kept you sane?
My children. They make me laugh and hopefully help me keep things in perspective.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Using hand lotion on a regular basis when you cloth diaper helps to prevent painful chapping. A little bit of yoga on a regular basis is better than a lot here and there. It's important to find a reason to smile. Even if you don't want to.

Just another Saturday night

2011-12-31T19:22:00.002-05:00

It's not that I don't think a new year isn't full of possibilities but when you have two little ones in the house, haven't had a decent night's sleep for awhile and your husband has to work on Sunday morning, there isn't a whole lot to get excited about for a New Year's Eve that falls on a Saturday night! Big Love and I have both said a few times today that we really don't care that it is new Year's Eve right now (and we have no more plans than we would on any other evening in the week.) Looking around at our little Christmas tree and the other few decorations we have lingering to remind us that Christmas was only a week ago, my thoughts are more consumed by Sweet One's third birthday that is a week from today. I started a dress for her which I need to finish up and then I have to figure out what to serve alongside the hotdogs and cake so the adults have something to eat, too. I barely had time to breathe from doing all my Christmas preparations!

I do have some hopes for the New Year (and I hope they don't get up too high!).

Perhaps my children will let me sleep a bit more and that these stages that we always have to go through might not rock the boat so much. I want to continue to raise my children in a way that I can be proud of and that will help them be the amazing little people that I see when I look at them.

I really hope that the 3% raise Big Love is getting manages to feel like it helps out despite the 15-20% increase in our medical deductibles that will follow in its wake (and this whole inflation thing!). And if things don't feel any easier, I would like to deal with them better and not begin to lose my mind every time the end of the month comes around and we haven't saved enough to be able to go on a vacation at some point.

I would really like to not feel so gross - maybe I can find a little bit more time for me to exercise and to take care of myself. Learning to not take my tired crankiness out on others would be a good thing to learn this year. If I could figure out a way to let things go more and not self-flagellate over the past I'm sure that would help my new year be more enjoyable. To learn to let people be who they are, even if it means I have to let go.

And finally, to give myself a break now and again.

Happy New Year! Whether you have big plans or little, I hope you enjoy putting up a new calendar.

Favorite time of night

2011-12-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

In a few minutes I will be enjoying one of my favorite times of the day - bedtime. Or should I say, the few minutes before I crawl into bed. I go into Sweet One's room and check on her. Lately it isn't always as interesting as it used to be when I could find her in any position, sprawl either which way across the bed. Now, she's usually sleeping all snug in her bed. I make sure she has her covers on and then I sneak out and go to our room.

Walking into our room, I place my tongue in the perfect spot and then cross my third and fourth toes as I try to make it into my bed without waking up Little Man. His crib is still in our room and sometimes we wake him up. Other times he sleeps soundly through our entrances and after I am comfy in my bed, I do not full exhale until I hear a few sounds from him.

***
Big Love and I had a short chat tonight. I'll be ok. We'll be ok. One day I might get a stroller when he figures out just how to go about it! I guess I should be happy that I never got a broiling pan as that was what his mother got her first Christmas with my FIL!

No Santa for Mama

2011-12-26T10:17:00.000-05:00

It's Boxing Day today. (Yes, I know it's just the day after Christmas here in the states but it's one more Canadianism I'm not willing to give up!) Sweet One and I just got back from a walk where she pushed her baby in the new stroller all the way. It was pretty cute to watch. She kept up a pretty good pace, not stopping to look at things around but determined to simply go for a walk. She's pretty excited about that gift and I think I'm safe in saying it is one of her favorites, along with the train set that Santa brought for her and Little Man. Unfortunately, the train set has been taken apart and is sitting out of her sight until tonight as I desperately try to impress upon her that it is not ok to bite her brother. My hopes were so high after a full 15 days where no biting took place. But today is day 5 of back to biting and I'm feeling crushed.

That's the thing for me when I get my hopes up. If I take the chance and hope that something might be where I'd ideally like it and then doesn't attain this, I'm crushed. Take for instance that moment when all the gifts are opened and I never got my 'stroller'. After spending every evening since Thanksgiving preparing Christmas for my loved ones, I have again fallen victim to hoping Santa might be able to figure out something that I'd be so excited to have that I'd be ready to take it for a walk rather than just grabbing a few things off my amazon wish list. Maybe I'm at fault because part of the reason I keep my amazon list is to remind myself of books that are recommended or to keep track of larger items in case they go on sale. But it's also not like I'm expecting something big and shiny because in the end, I'm a simple girl. As I alternate between to pairs of cheap jeans each day and outwardly express how jealous I am of all the nice clothes my daughter has, it would have meaned the world to me to get a piece of paper with "you get a nice new pair of jeans" scribbled on it. I've been known to remark how funny it is that the leather gloves I wear were left behind in my voice studio seven years ago by someone who didn't want them back because they had a few holes in them. A few holes? I guess I don't care. But I do. I don't go out and buy those kind of things for me because I don't feel like we can afford them and that I can make do, but I'm starting to feel embarrassed about how sloppy I look.

I always hope that after spending so much time perusing the internets trying to find just the right gifts that might bring a little smile of surprise to my nearest and dearest I would not end up feeling like an after thought. I was silly enough that Santa would have pieced together a few of my not-so-subtle "why are my children dressed better than me" moments. But I also feel like an asshole when I am tearing up thinking of all the nice clothes everyone else in my house got when there are people out there who would have given anything for even a portion of what I did get. I guess I have a lot of growing up to do. But for now, I'll just try to be a better person tomorrow as I attempt to hide the back fat that keeps peeking out from under this shirt I'm wearing because none of the four shirts and three or four sweaters I alternate between are all in the wash.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I hope!)

2011-12-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

We only have two more Advent presents to open up! Sweet One has really enjoyed reading the stories and eating the chocolates. Christmas is almost here and everyone in this little family is enjoying it as best we can.

Sweet One has slept passed 630 for four days in a row - the last two it was 700! She's been acting a little funny the past two days and I think she's fighting something off and so I hope it doesn't make Christmas too much for her. We decorated the tree yesterday and with each 'ormament' she saw there were oooh's and ahhh's. A nice way to feel the magic of the season through a little one's eyes. After her nap yesterday afternoon, she came downstairs, knelt by the tree and just looked at it. Lots of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas and lots of other television specials have been watched. It's been fun!

Little Man has given me 4 days of decent sleep and so I am feeling the best I've felt in a month or so. He's so busy these days. I think it is time to put away the exersaucer because he really doesn't like staying put. Constantly pulling himself up to standing and grabbing everything that he can see. I'm feeling much busier making sure there is nothing dangerous for him. He does tumble every now and then but we're both surviving with no major injuries! I was worried about putting up the tree but he hasn't reached for it at all - maybe we'll be able to keep it up for more than a few days!

Big Love won't be able to spend much time with us until the afternoon of Christmas Day. I'm having trouble not feeling lonely about this. I married the guy knowing this would happen each and every year, unless he decides to change career paths, but up until Sweet One was born I was involved in all the church stuff, too. I'm going to watch Crazy, Stupid, Love once the presents are under the tree and the stockings have been stuffed. I also think I'll make some mulled wine. Eventually the kids will be bigger and they'll be involved with the happenings at church, too, so it won't feel like we're at home on our own.

We managed to keep to a small budget for Christmas but that hasn't stopped the gifts from piling up. I did want to buy a little more for the kids but there was no point after everything that our family has bought for them! It is really insane and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by how much they will have. I'll be curious to see if Sweet one wants to go through all the presents as fast as possible or play with each one a little like she did last year. Luckily we'll all be together until around 1030 so we can enjoy some time opening them up together.

I did end up getting a new iPod nano! It showed up today and I'm so excited!

I've been having some troubles feeling like it is Christmas. There is no snow on the ground but we did have some flakes in the sky for awhile this morning. With each little moment that Sweet One becomes enraptured by what she sees, I'm feeling a little bit more of what it is all about.

Merry Christmas! I hope that yours has many moments that make the season magical.

The Sound of Silence

2011-12-16T14:19:00.000-05:00

I never used to do well with silence. Going from High School to dorms at University, silence was pretty rare. As life moved on I felt uncomfortable with too much silence. Living on my own for four years I would either have the TV or music on to fill the air. I'm not too sure why that is. There's a big chance that I wasn't comfortable enough with myself and having to listen to too much going on in my head.

The first time my in-laws visited us Big Love had to work while they were here which left me with the job of entertaining them. They don't talk a whole lot and I found myself squirming in my seat to try and figure out if it was because they just liked the quiet from time to time or if they were not enjoying themselves. And so I rambled on and on and on (slam head against wall) because I simply didn't know what I was supposed to do. Silence by myself was one thing, silence with two other people I wasn't completely comfortable with was a whole other challenge!

More and more I am now finding myself loving the quiet. If I luck out enough to have a few quiet moments to myself in the day it isn't hard for me to just sit and drink my decaf coffee. Nothing really on my mind. I move only enough to raise my orange up to my lips. My skin tingles like it does when I'm falling asleep. I have no problem slowing down my brain. When I feel like I'm slogging through mud every day, it's nice to stop and give in to the weight of my tired mind and body.

***
On a very different note, the mail brought us notices to say that our status has been adjusted to permanent resident. This is such great news for us. No more worrying, nausea, fear of being deported or anything else like that that goes along with being on a temporary visa.

My wish list for Apple

2011-12-09T10:59:00.001-05:00

Prior to moving this rural town, my day job involved selling higher end comfort shoes at a store owned by church members. Every once in awhile the particular brands would run contests for who could sell the most of their shoes and then for every so many pairs sold, your name would go into a draw. Just before we moved one of these contests was going on and I laughed at my chances of winning an iPod nano and JBL speaker donut as a few of my co-workers had with the previous contest. I left the job and forgot all about the contest.

A few months after we arrived here, I received a package that contained none other than a first generation iPod nano and JBL speaker donut! I couldn't believe it! The manager at the store stuck with his promise and mailed it to me!

Over the past six months or so I've been wanting a new iPod because Big Love bent mine a little (when Sweet One was less than a year old and so it has been working fine since) and I can't put anything else on it. I hadn't been able to get one and was a little sad but then one morning I opened my email and to my surprise, I had an email from Apple telling me that I qualified for a replacement due to a problem with the battery! I was so excited.

When the box arrived, I went to find my iPod on the shelf where I put it since the instructions said to stop using it and I was shocked because something funky went on. I couldn't believe it! But I decided to send it in anyway, hoping that perhaps the problem that happened was part of the reason they are recalling these old guys!

I also thought a little good humor might help me out and so I included this letter:

To the person who is opening up thisbox,

Hello! I wanted to provide anexplanation as to why I am sending you my iPod when it looks asmangled as it does.

I have been using this iPod since Iregistered it (I'm assuming that you have that date on record )sometime in the fall of 2006. I used it until the day I received myemail from you to stop using it. Except for a small dent on the backthere was nothing wrong with it. I have used it every night since mydaughter was born January 7, 2009 for her to have her lullabies atnight. (She has been asking where the music is since I've had to stopusing it and I told her that someone will give a new one to themailman.)

After receiving the email from Appleand learning that my iPod was eligible for replacement I first gotvery excited (I may have even danced a little) because I had beenwanting to buy a new one but various circumstances made itimpossible. Then I took my iPod and put it in a safe place away fromthe sun, water, children or anything else that could have damaged it.

When the box arrived for me to send theiPod back to you I was shocked to find the iPod in the current statethat it is. I promise you I have no idea what happened to it.It had been working fine up until the day I received the email tosend it back despite the small dent I mentioned before. I almostcried when I picked it up and it looked as it does. I have no ideawhat happened to it but it did happen while it was sitting on a shelfand not being touched or even looked at by anyone.

I hope you have a wonderful HolidaySeason.

It truly did not look like that when I stopped using it. I haven't received an email telling me I won't be receiving a new one. So here's hoping for a little Holiday Magic!

Read it! She's awesome

2011-12-05T13:01:00.001-05:00

I love reading Woulda Coulda Shoulda. Quite honestly, if Mir wrote a manual on anything - especially being a great mom, I'd be the first in line. And then I'd tell her how much I love her writing and how much Otto reminds me of Big Love and how so much of her 'crazy' I can completely relate to. But I'd probably annoy her and she'd put a restraining order on me and then I'd desperately try to convince her that I'm not a psycho, I just don't have a lot of friends who get me where I live and in my dreams I will move somewhere and find a friend who is all kinds of awesome just like her.

But if I throw myself back to reality, I'll just keep reading her blog, and gleaning from it the wisdom that I so often find. Especially when she writes stuff like this with a Norman Rockwell reference that is absolutely spot on. Even Big Love thinks so.

And now back to my amazingly happy baby who had a brilliant sleep last night and a great nap this morning and is now nothing but a ball of "how the hell did I get so lucky for this Little Man to be my son"!

A simple Advent tradition is begun

2011-12-05T10:09:00.001-05:00

I can't think of the word tradition without going back to my perch on the rooftop, fiddle in hand, as the play started. We had to omit the fun little transitional part between verses due to the incompetence of the pianist but it quickly became a song that drove me nuts. Now I chuckle as I think of simpler times.

Traditions are important and Sweet One is at the age where I can start some with her. She is catching on quickly to so many things. One question I've been asking myself these days is how to instill in my kids and understanding that Christmas is more than just the presents we buy. Another is how do I start to teach my child about being Christian. (That is the choice we have made for our lives and I believe it is more than just taking them to church.)

I wanted to start a simple Advent tradition this year. I learned about this from one of the blogs I frequent and decided that I wanted to use it. It took a lot of cutting and folding before I could put in a few m&m's along with one Hershey's kiss, but I am so happy that I did it.

Sweet One quickly learned that we wait until just before she goes to bed. Tea is made (this wasn't planned but it came about when she asked for tea on December 2) and I lift her up so she can take hold of the evening's present. Last night as Big Love was going to get our tea, Sweet One looked at me and said, "yesterday we had number 3." I was so happy that she remembered - she is catching on so quickly! And so she retrieved December 4 and said, "Oh! my favorite treat" as I poured the goods in her hand. (I need to replace some of the hard candies with more kisses because she didn't like them.) She savored each morsel and then we sat down to read the short story for that night. (I am really enjoying the book I got for this.)

I didn't expect her to grasp all of this so quickly. Seeing her find the magic in each of these little moments, I hope that I can let go of my feelings of inadequacy and help my kids understand what is truly important at this time of year.

I don't want to keep up .... and yet

2011-11-29T07:44:00.001-05:00

I've been struggling a little bit with things over the past few days. Unfortunately, it may be all whine because I think at the base of it all is my sleep deprivation caused by the inability to get Little Man to sleep for more than five hours at a time during the night. Coupled with an unexpected part of potty training being middle of the night calls from the room next door of "I have to pee", I'm starting to fall apart a wee bit. I've tried for quite some time to not let the lack of sleep get to me and have focused on getting through the day without any real downtime by myself (save some time first thing in the morning when Big Love takes the kids so I can try and scrape the crust from my eyes).

But it is our finances that get to me. We live on a modest salary and for the most part I am proud of how I've been able to make that work for us. (I know damn well that we are better off than many but for some reason I am still frustrated.) Ever since Little Man has been with us it has been harder to stay within our budget and I don't really understand why. With one car, no cell phones, mostly cloth diapering and maybe going to a fast food restaurant once a month, I just don't know where it goes. Then my brain starts to move into a place where I fear that if we ever had to do with less we'd be screwed and I become afraid that our situation will never improve. That I will always be counting every penny we spend, trying to keep our monthly spending within our means and never being able to save any money for anything! (The ability to save enough for airfare to visit our family is a bit of a joke right now.)

What gets me on top of this is envy. I am so envious of people who don't have to worry about things as much - or at least give the outwardly appearance that they don't. I get jealous of the gifts my brother in law sends to my house for me to then ship to him for my sister's Christmas present. They are beautiful and, in my world, very expensive. By the time he pays for the shipping he will have spent on this one gift, as much as I will spend on all three members of my family combined for Christmas. I hate being jealous! It's stupid! I would never dare to wish for something that costs more than $100 if it would only be used by me. There's just no point because we can't afford it.

The cry in my head goes out that THIS IS ALL STUPID! I have a healthy family, a roof over my head, food on my plate, all our bills are paid and I still can't be fully happy. I really don't want big expensive things. The Jones' don't really matter to me. I only want it to be a little easier to save a few nickels at the end of the month. To feel like we are getting ahead and that one day we'll be able to retire and not become a financial burden on our children. I know that the small amount we spend at Christmas on our family is a good lesson to teach them - that it is not about draining the bank accounts. There are children near us that do not get anything and I want to be able to give to them as well.

My stupid brain. How I desperately wish I could have a few nights of decent sleep. I know that would help. I can't even seem to get them if I pray and beg for them. I will try to be happy with what I have. Maybe one day I'll get there.

All smiles and snuggles

2011-11-23T12:46:00.001-05:00

Little Man is great. Despite the fact that he likes to wake me up twice a night to eat, he doesn't make my life more difficult at all. He's not fussy and seems to be quite content watching what other people are doing. He's old enough now that if I haven't been holding him for awhile and he gets fussy, he squeezes me a little extra when I first pick him up. I love it.

And yet I wonder .... so many moms talk about how their little boys become devils. Seems to me, from what I heard and the little bit of time I spent with my nephew, he was very much like this. And then he became the devil as perhaps little boys are wont to do.

As I sit here and type this, my little boy is lifting his bum high into the air as he tries to figure out how to crawl. He does quite well getting to where he wants. Then he finds a little toy Smurf, lifts it up and smiles. In a few months, I'm wondering if he is going to be throwing it across the room and breaking the window rather than just trying to eat it.

For now, I'll go and smother him in kisses because he can't run away from me yet!

Grocery Aisle Dancing

2011-11-21T21:08:00.001-05:00

Sweet One wanted to come grocery shopping with me this afternoon and since that is usually the norm, I was ready to go. We only needed one stop (I had an hour of shopping yesterday without any kids with me! Miracle of miracles!) to grab a few more items and so we went to a small, locally owned grocery store. The average shopper here is often using their cart as walker. It's almost a joke that they have one Senior Citizen parking spot when only one spot in the parking long isn't used by a senior.

Have you ever seen Little Bear? It's an old school kids program put out by Nick Jr. and based upon a children's book series written in the 50's. My friend loaned it to us and unfortunately, Sweet One loves the DVD filled with nine minute stories. In one of her favorites it has a repetitive song that any preschooler could compose consisting of things to do. I'm not a hundred percent sure of the lyrics, but this gives you an idea:

Little Bear, Little Bear sing a song,dance along,touch your toes,wiggle your hips,do back flips,fall to the ground ...

Sweet One loves this and will do it over and over. And today I learned that she even loves to do it in the grocery store! Asking her to stop spinning and walk so that she wouldn't crash into other people's carts was of no use. Luckily, these old people loved watching her. "She's just dancing." They maneuvered around her moment of "fall to the ground" better than they can steer their vehicles in and out of the parking lot! One woman particularly enjoyed my comment of, "stop spinning you crazy kid!" (I did say this with good humor and I was in no way using an annoyed voice.)

One of these days all I'm going to get is rolled eyes and "Mom! You're embarrassing me!" when I'm out grocery shopping with my little girl!

Note: I was motivated to share this story after reading All & Sundry. Is imitation the best form of flattery? I don't know. But I was smiling about her dancing six hours later and thought I'd go for it. Luckily, the only thing I was missing after my shopping trip was cold leaf lard. Partially due to the fact that I don't know what the hell it is!

Lightning Wish List

2011-11-21T13:04:00.001-05:00

Today is the first day that I become almost obsessed with watching the lightning deals on amazon. I have a small list of things I'd like to find at great prices which include: a Kitchenaid Food Processor, a 32 or 37" TV, and a printer (because this new computer is not working with our old printer). A fairly modest list but I'll still be watching until all this lightning mania is over. Also add to that a few Christmas gifts for my kids.

But there's another reason why I watch the deals so much - because it blows my mind some of the things that are out there that people buy! And sometimes they come with a huge price tag and I have no idea why people would ever have need of some of the weird things that pop up, but it is good for a laugh from time to time.

2011-11-20T19:12:00.001-05:00

My best friend's birthday was on Wednesday and for the first time since I have known her, I was unable to hear her voice as I wished her a Happy Birthday. She has a job that makes her travel and, unfortunately, she was traveling on her big day. I hope she got the email I sent into the abyss that can be the internets while her card makes its way to her by land.

I still sometimes wonder how we both made such a big move five years ago and ended up only 8 hours of driving apart. I absolutely loved going to visit her in that fancy Canadian city. Sweet One and I took the train up there once and there were other trips to visit that I will never forget. Not being in the same time zone anymore kinda sucks ass.

I hope she was able to find a few moments to enjoy despite starting a work trip that day. And I hope that her hubby celebrated her day (or will once she is home) in the wonderful way they do.

If things work out as Big Love and I are wanting them to, we'll be moving to a bigger center in time for Sweet One to start kindergarten and I can only hope that it will end up putting my friend and I closer together.

Happy birthday, dear friend. You are an amazing person, friend and auntie. I'm pretty sure you know all the other blubbering I am capable of when I think of how much you mean to me, so I'll spare you for now! (And I'm sorry for sucking and not getting you your birthday present yet!)

Purpose

2011-11-15T09:56:00.001-05:00

When I've been striving to do something but never finding the exact words, it is wonderful to come across them in someone's FB status. And I shall aim to read this to start each and every day.

The real purpose of life is love. Love is our very essence, the all which created us and is us. This day I will work to remove that which blocks my love from flowing freely. I will learn to love myself and I will liberally share my love with others. I will be kind, understanding and compassionate. I will make love a daily focus and priority in my life, and I will try to fill every moment of my life and yours with love. I will tell you how much I love you as often as I can. - "Principles of Being" by Austin Vickers

Letting go and moving on

2011-11-13T09:53:00.001-05:00

Three and a half years ago I made a decision to cut my father out of my life. I had struggled since my teenage years with his emotional abuse and his complete inability to take responsibility for his anger. He phoned at Christmas for the first few years and I took his phone call but other than that, the only communication we have is when I send him his birthday card and Christmas present.

There are moments when I wish I could have made a different decision but for my own mental health I had no other choice. Having children has only made my decision stronger as I do not trust him around them. Big Love and I decided to state in our will that my father is not allowed to be with my children unsupervised, even if I am dead.

I know I have tried to post about this in the past but was never ready. I went back into my drafts to see what was there and this is what I found. I am ready now. By posting it, I hope to let go more.

September 4, 2009
If I've ever understood the idea of an albatross around my neck, it was him. Casting shadows of anger and sadness through everything I did. I hope that one day there will be so much sunlight and the shadow will be obliterated. Without being able to do this I will not be able to find my own path. Without being able to find it, how will I ever teach Sweet One to have the courage to find her own?

His anger may have defined my past but it does not have to define my present or my future. There is a little girl asleep in her crib and she will wake up with the biggest smile on her face for me. Me! Of all the people in the world, I am the lucky one who gets to be her mother. To help her have the best childhood she possibly can and to watch her grow into the woman she will one day be. This is the present and future that matters.

I hate it that there are moments where I am sucked into the past where I did not feel free to be who I am. I was afraid that I would anger him and that would result in being screamed at, with hisspit accumulating on my face ... or worse. "Because it stung good" was the reason there was a foot long, plastic shoe horn hanging in the utility room. His inability to deal with anger or confrontation is why I still get sick each time of think of it - my stomach turns, I get dizzy and my chest tightens. At the age of 31 I no longer want his anger to have such power over my life.

The bookends to our visits were often a bottle of wine and huge amounts of anxiety. The person to blame was always me, or so he said. The last time I was voluntarily in a room with him he directed the conversation solely to my husband. When I tried to be involved his reaction was one of annoyance. After my sister and brother had joined us neither Big Love nor I were involved in the conversation. My husband is a man of few words but when I heard him say, "That was bad," I knew it wasn't all in my head. As I left the house it was final - I was done. Done being the one to blame and done putting myself in a position where I would leave feeling like shit.

Almost ten years ago I mentioned in passing how I got a lot more beatings than my sister or brother. His response was this : "When i0t's your first child and you're at your wits end, what do you do?" Me? If I ever feel like I am too angry to react in a respectful manner to my child I will leave the room. Take some responsibility for my own actions and then return to finish dealing with the situation. But a complete lack of responsibility in any relationship he has is MO. Three years before his second marriage failed he told me that if it were to end, it would be the fault of her daughter. Really? A stepdaughter can decide whether a marriage is a success or fails?

And so each day I do my best to let go of the hurt and the anger that is left. My father will never truly hear what I have to say. I have tried so many times to get him to hear me since I was just a wee child and it has never worked. But I refuse to let him blame me. I refuse to allow the kind of violence his anger can produce to be near my daughter. One day down the road it is possible that I will let him in our lives but not now.

Prior to becoming pregnant I spent months grieving for a little girl who was wounded from her father's violent outbursts. No matter what I did it was never good enough and if I pushed him far enough he would scream until his spit covered my face, or even worse, beat me until I screamed in agony and humiliation - unable to sit down because of my burning ass. Recalling them immediately makes me sick to my stomach as the little girl inside of me desperately tries to hide.

There are moments in my mothering where I feel overcome by anger but I am proud to say that I do leave the room. I have never hit my daughter, nor will I ever. I have yelled but never directly in her face and I always apologize. I still have a ways to heal my own wounds but I know I can get there. There are moments when I hold my children and I feel sad that he does not know them. But quickly after this thought, I try to figure out how anyone could ever harm a child and I know my decision is the one that I needed to make.

It was good for me to read this post this morning (and the link in the post). To help me understand that I am not alone in my struggles with this relationship. While we all get to a difficult place in different ways, it all sucks. But we don't have to let it continue ... we can do better for our own children.

Perhaps one day I will allow him into our lives, but not until I know he has taken some measures to deal with his issues and his anger. But he is a child and behaves as one in many situations. So I'm not expecting any miracles any time soon.

It won't last forever

2011-11-10T20:27:00.001-05:00

Efedents and Poka nots! That's what my days are made of. Or as the rest of us say, elephants and polka dots!

Sometimes you just have to back off!

2011-11-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

I've been wracking my brain trying to find something that would strongly motivate her to poop in the potty or to just trust what others have been telling me, that she'll figure it out when she's ready. I'm not very patient and I just wanted this stage of things over and done with. But my attempts to persuade her turned me into a rabid asshole and were also unsuccessful.

I just didn't understand why she wouldn't do it. She knew when to tell her poop to return whence it came and she was completely capable of running to a hiding spot and taking care of business.

As pretty much every other day, we were across the street playing at our friend's house. Grabbing at her butt once in awhile, we asked Sweet One if she wanted to go home and poop in the potty. "No, thank you!" she tell us in the most cheerful of voices. (If there's anytime good manners can grate on ones nerves, it is this!) A few moments later she is beelining it to get underneath the slide in time. Her favorite place. And just as quickly as she disappeared, she returned requesting a bum change.

And what's a little salt in the wound? She repeated her performance about twenty minutes later!

My friend suggested that I back off completely for a few weeks. No prompting and no encouraging. Just let her be. With only my sanity at stake, I wondered if it was just what we needed.

Every day we'd go without a poop, I'd get more anxious about dealing with it later on. Every time she'd show signs of needing to go, I'd be stressed out and disappointed before I even asked her to sit on the potty. Something did need to change. And indeed it did when I least expected it.

Big Love didn't return her to training pants after the second bum change and so Sweet One was hanging out with a bare bum. She started grabbing at it a bit like before and the only thing I did was make her wash her hands. My chest was getting tighter wondering how things were going to play out, but I made myself keep my trap shut.

Little Man and I were in the living room, Big Love was doing dishes and Sweet One was doing her own things. I'm not sure what it was. The next thing I knew, Sweet One announced, "I did it! I pooped in the potty!" I wasn't sure what to think and as I ran to the bathroom to see what was going on, I was also looking on the floor to make sure I didn't step in any droppings. But sure enough, there was poop in that there potty!

My daughter pooped on the potty with no prompting from anyone. It was her decision and her very own accomplishment. I didn't really have anything to do with it and I think it is better this way!

Now if you'll excuse me, there are no cold beer in the house and so I'm going to watch Terra Nova instead. (And I promise that I will not type the word poop in this here blog for awhile.)

Beef Roast - Take 1

2011-11-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

While I do enjoy cooking I don't have a huge passion for it. I aim for healthy food that is tasty and I try to make different things because eating the same thing over and over gets really annoying! These days, it is more difficult to get supper made when I have kids getting fussy, melting down and demanding more attention at the same time! We rarely eat out especially when having two wee ones makes it impossible to sit and enjoy our meal.

But all that aside, there are a few dishes that I want to learn to make well. I guess their sort of like my holy grails of cooking because so far I have not been able to make one to my liking. A juicy, flavorful roast beef accompanied by yorkshire puddings is one of them.

Just before our vacation I bought the October issue Every Day with Rachel Ray and really like it. I've made a few recipes and they turned out good so I thought that I give her method of making a roast a try. (And I've since got myself a two year subscription. It seems like a nice replacement for the chatelaine and Canadian Living magazines that are just. too. expensive. to have sent down here. I miss them very much, especially at this time of year when they're coming out with all their holiday baking issues.)

When I was at the grocery store I noticed that a bottom round roast of Angus beef was on sale and so I thought that it should work. I even asked the butcher guy because, frankly, I'm a little clueless on which cuts are good for roasts. Especially because the States uses different terms than Canada. I had forgotten that recipe stated to get a rib roast and when I got home I was talking with a guy whose family raises cattle and he told me that bottom round was just another word for rump roast. Good lord, I know that the ass cut doesn't make a nice roast for how I wanted to cook it.

But I got it started anyway. After 15 minutes on 475 and another 15 on 375 there was no moisture at all coming from the roast, so along with my parsnips and carrots I added a cube of beef bouillon dissolved in a cup of water.

In the end, I did manage to get it medium rather than well done but it was tough and the flavor was lacking. I had no time for Yorkshire Puddings. It looked much prettier than it tasted.

An extra, completely unexpected bonus we did encounter was that Sweet One ate her roasted potatoes and the roast! She hasn't eaten beef like this EVER!

I'm thinking that next time I need to not cheap out and just spend some money on a rib roast. We'll see how that works.

Crappy Mothering

2011-11-03T20:53:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling over the past few days. I desperately want Sweet One to be potty trained and seem to be completely devoid of patience.

The biggest problem is when she says, "Get back in there, poop!" Seriously? A kid who can feel her poop on its way out and then commands it to stay inside can't just decide to go and put it where it belongs? I was feeling like things were coming to a head Sunday night when Sweet one spent over an hour crying due to her discomfort. I started getting my hopes up that eventually she would decide to go and it would be that moment. The moment the switch flips and we finish the process of potty training.

But nothing happened that day. And so the next I spoke to another woman who had gone through this with her child. Her instructions were to basically sit the kid on the potty and make her go. Well, to make a long story short, we had two days of some screaming, hitting and biting that resulted in some success. She was proud of what she did and I got optimistic. But on the third day we ended up with me running into the kitchen screaming and Sweet One throwing her potty across the room. Not something I am proud of. I was so frustrated and cried while I held my 7 month old baby boy. Sweet One didn't like it that I was crying and told me so by slapping me across the face.

I want to relax and calmly wait for the day Sweet One decides to go in the potty for this. As the doctor once said, and my friend recently reminded me, 'you can't make them go poop in the potty'. Well, for a brief moment I thought I could .... and then I learned how completely wrong I was.

This morning I went to the moms group and sat at a table. Three other women were talking about potty training and I am not alone. Sometimes the words I need to hear aren't in the formal 'lesson' that we hear at these meetings but in the conversations that surround me. "It's probably one of those things where in 6 months I'll be wondering why I got so worried about it. It just isn't worth it."

So I will try hard. I will listen to those around me who say that one day it will all click. She'll just decide to do it. And I desperately hope that I will stop feeling like I am failing as a mother because Sweet One isn't potty trained yet.

I'm a Mom and it's all about the glamour

2011-10-30T19:30:00.006-04:00

"Get back in there poop!" my daughter says after not pooping for at least four days.

I know eventually things will just click for her and it will all be wonderful but right now I'm at my wits end. And not because she won't shit in the toilet but because she spent an hour crying, screaming and flailing because she is so uncomfortable.

And next Sunday we have a time change. Last year the time change caused months of her waking up way too early.

Parenting is glamorous. I'm gonna start having people call me Marilyn Monroe.

Hush little Mum-mum don't say a word

2011-10-27T20:59:00.004-04:00

Sweet One was having troubles fall asleep tonight after an exciting evening of getting jacked up on her pink pumpkin full of candy. From what Big Love said she had SO much fun. I was feeding her brother when she came home stuffing a peanut butter cup in her face as she told me that she was home.

I started bedtime with her around 730. (I'm trying to slowly move her time clock later with the hopes that the time change won't be the beginning of months when 500 is her usual time to wake up!) At 815 I left her room, five minutes later I heard her singing and then around 830 she was calling for me so I crawled in with her.

Once in awhile I really don't mind it if she needs me to help her relax a little bit. I'm not going to have these moments forever!

A few minutes after she settled down she reached over and rubbed my cheek to make sure I was still there. It tickled a little.

What I didn't love was that I can't remember exactly what time I crawled in with her which also means I have no idea how long I fell asleep for! It was probably only a few minutes but these days a few minutes at the wrong time of day will make the rest of my night completely messed up. Too bad I didn't just pass out and stay there sleeping peacefully for the rest of the night!

But really, I'm going to remember her little fingers on my cheek more than a few lost hours of sleep!

Our skies were blue

2011-10-21T14:51:00.007-04:00

The weather ended up absolutely gorgeous and we were able to spend so much time outside! Sweet One absolutely loved going fishing - with a stick and a piece of red yarn tied to the end. (This is how Big Love learned to fish and I call it "fishing with no hope in hell of catching anything".) She also loved running around to her heart's desire!

While I will have many memories of walking outside with the kids, I will also remember how much I loved the quiet. I used to find silence hard to handle for too long but this time around I loved it. It seemed to recharge me. While Little Man slept in the morning, Big Love and Sweet One went on adventures as I read a magazine and drank my Americano. With no chores looming I felt like I could truly turn off my brain and not worry about a thing! There was more quiet as the kids napped in the afternoon (although Little Man had troubles sleeping at this time of day).

Big Love and I filled our short time between the kids going down and us going to sleep with conversation. Usually we fill it with tv shows so it was nice to realize that we can still carry on a conversation between the two of us for more than five minutes! As long as the conversation didn't require me to speak as I was counting the stitches in Little Man's blanket it was nice to reconnect!

Something that really surprised me was my own energy levels during our time at the park. While I was getting woken up two to four times a night, I was get out of bed much earlier and didn't feel like crap all day. I don't fully understand this and hoped that perhaps I could carry it on once I got home (I usually go back to bed until around 8 while Big Love watches the kids so I can catch up on some of the lost zzz's). Big Love reminded me that someone once told me that this town has a lower energy than others. I'm interested in learning more about why this is (and what it is) but at this point all I know is that it does affect me. We've noticed this on other trips as well. (Quite a princess I can be!)

As we drove home it didn't take long to realize that during our time away we had missed out on gray, drizzly skies. In the end, it was a great trip. We did have cheesecake, but it was just from the freezer section of the fabulous Target we stopped at on the way. It had a St. Arbucks inside! That's definitely my kind of combination! AND I finally managed to get to a Sonic Drive-In! I've wanted to go to one of those since we first crossed the border 5 years and 3 months ago! I had no idea there was one by the Target and so within two hours of being away from home I felt like I already had a great trip!

Because it made me chuckle

2011-10-20T07:47:00.003-04:00

We needed to figure out our route to the USCIS office and so I sent him to the car to retrieve the map. Returning very quickly and empty handed he says, "There's a large animal out there! I heard it walking." And these are the pictures I had to take!

One vacation a year, and it looks like shitty skies

2011-10-15T14:37:00.008-04:00

Sadly, it has been a year since I've posted about vacations and that is because we haven't gone anywhere since. Tomorrow we will be leaving for the same state park as last year, sans cheesecake and I am having a few troubles finding any optimism for our stay. The weather will be similar. Drizzly days that are not very warm. Yes, I know that packing up and going to a cabin in October means taking a risk that the weather will suck ass, but last week at it was magnificent! We will be staying one day less than last year but that is probably better since we have a wee baby with us. (Then again, he's not so wee as he weighed in at 18lbs 9oz on Tuesday. I've now started calling him my little moose!)

In anticipation of crappy weather and being stuck in a cabin far too long I just finished making some supplies to keep Sweet One as demonstrative of her name as possible.

A play-dough recipe from my mom that never seems to have enough flour so I need to almost double it.

and some noodles soaked in rubbing alcohol (the fumes almost got a little too fun!) and food coloring that she can string onto yarn.

On the way home we have to stop in the nearby big city to give USCIS our fingerprints. (We've only been waiting for these appointments since the end of June!) I am hoping to be cleaned up and out the cabin door early so we can stop for breakfast and then get to either the Zoo or a Children's Museum. Again, weather permitting but I'm REALLY hoping we can do the Zoo because they have three different types of penguins and Sweet One is in love with penguins these days!

Maybe I'll be lucky and the weather will change bringing us brilliant skies and lots of outdoor adventures. But if it doesn't, wish me luck!

Being Thankful

2011-10-09T20:39:00.005-04:00

It's the Thanksgiving weekend in Canada and even though I didn't make any pumpkin pie (opting rather to go to the park with the kids), we enjoyed turkey, roasted compost butternut squash and roasted potatoes.

My son ... he wakes me up multiple times a night, and in the morning I am not sure if I'm going to make it through the day without collapsing into a ball of exhaustion. But somehow I do. His smiles and giggles are enough to make up for the lack of sleep. And really, he's just hungry. I have a healthy boy who is slowly earning the nickname Little Moose because he is growing so quickly during this growth spurt that has lasted for two months and counting.

Sweet One ... she lives life to its fullest, teaching me what it means to not be scared to say hello to a stranger (and in some cases she gives them a hug) and also to take responsible for my actions. Because when she pushes my buttons she really pushes them. An alarm goes off and I learn very quickly that I need to take responsibility for how I react. And then twenty seconds later she has thrown on her cute and plants a kiss on me with such gusto that I sit there wondering how I was so lucky to have her as my daughter.

Big Love ... He deserves a prize. Stuck with whatever I have leftover at the end of every day (and I can guarantee you that since we made Little Man there isn't much of anything left over!), putting up with my mood swings and frustrations, and has never once raised his voice to me or said mean words. I'm not sure how he does it because there are times I am a cow and would fully deserve it. I'm much more lucky and thankful to have him in my life than I show him on a regular basis at this point in our lives. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to want to run and hide.

I've had struggles with the family I grew up in over the past few years, but I am thankful every day because they helped to shape who I am. Whether I am desperately trying not to do what my parents did or wishing I had the courage to take a leap of faith like my sister, my family will always be where I came from.

My friends rock. A kick in the pants to smarten me up, wise words that help me realize I'm not losing my mind, or helping me enjoy the day outside despite the fact that our kids are driving us nuts .... their numbers are huge, but the few close friends I have are worth more than gold.

I have a lot of 'have not' moments in my life. But really, I have more than I truly need. In our house that keeps us warm and protected from the outside, we have full bellies and lots of laughter. There are many who do not and I am thankful for this.

The random moments in a day that make me laugh ... this year was my best crop of butternut squash, and I didn't even plant any this year! They grew from my compost along with these small gourds. The funniest part is that two years ago we went to Baltimore and on our way back we stopped at a Trader Joe's. Sweet One found a gourd that she really liked and so we bought it for her entertainment while I continued to shop. That is the only gourd we have ever had and I remember throwing it in the compost. Two years later it has two kids. This is practically a family picture of us!

I am thankful for so much more than what I have typed but since my brain is slowly shutting down I will finish the day being thankful for television. Because when I am exhausted and my body hurts, there is nothing that turns off my brain better.

There is no where else to go

2011-10-07T13:47:00.007-04:00

I've been struggling over the past few weeks about whether or not I want to continue attending the moms group that I do. Twice a month Sweet One and I go while Little Man stays home in the morning with his Dad. I drink coffee, sit at a table with other women, listen to the 'lesson' that they teach, do a craft and eat some food while Sweet One goes to the room where they have things set up with age appropriate activities for her. She seems to like it and I do not have another place at this point in time where she can go and socialize with her peers.

The group is a chapter of a national organization based upon concepts and beliefs of Evangelical Fundamentalism and we meet in a large church. The building is enormous and the strange bubble that we meet in is their sanctuary, carpeted to look like it doubles as a basketball court. I've struggled with Evangelical Fundamentalism since I first attended a church when I was sixteen. The sermon hour ended up with people laying on hands, fainting, crying out and having muscle spasm that they claimed was 'the spirit of the Lord God upon me!' The language they use to express their beliefs, the minimal education required for their pastors and how the bible is interpreted are all things I do not fully understand.

Last year it felt different for me. There have been a lot of new moms joining the chapter this year and the bigger it gets the more uncomfortable I am feeling. I am an introvert by nature and I get overwhelmed in too large of a group. I express these feelings by spurting out things I later regret or by getting too eager to talk (our discussion time is limited and I wonder if others feel like I don't share that time enough). I wish I could just sit back and relax, contributing to conversations only when my brain isn't feel like it is about to short circuit.

Another factor that seems to be contributing to my sense of uneasiness here is that I sense a division growing stronger within the group. The very large steering committee is comprised mostly of women who attend the church where we meet. They do a lot of things together. This chapter seems to be an extension of their already established social group that goes from church, to home to everywhere else in their lives. As the overall chapter grows larger the divisions of cliques becomes more established. I think I fear the meetings might end up like their Sunday morning services.

It is so hard for me to fully understand what I am uncomfortable with. While sitting at my table yesterday morning I had a complete view of the entire room. I looked around and saw some faces I recognized and many I hadn't. I starting feeling like we were all there to sit back and watch what the steering committee was doing; that what was being done was more to fulfill their own sense of purpose and self-importance than to build and foster a community of women.

If I were to stop attending these meetings there is nothing else like this in this little rural town. My friend attends as well and I know that she would be sad if I were not going. I like that it gives Sweet One somewhere to play with other children and begin to develop her social skills. (One of the women in the two year old room was my discussion leader last year and she says Sweet One is doing better and better every time.) However, shortly after each meeting this year Sweet One has developed a cold which has also affect Little Man. I don't want to spend the entire winter with sick children!

Maybe I can let go of my own ingrained biases about the denomination. Perhaps I'm dwelling on what I don't like about the denomination because I'm feeling self-conscious there. I'm 33 years old, fer fukk sake, so I should be able to behave myself a little better when I recognize my anxiety growing during the meetings! I just hate sitting here more than 24 hours after the meeting ended still regretting the petulant child who whined too much about the decaf running out quickly. If I'm really lucky, I may be able to gain enough self-confidence to not feel like people are looking at me funny wondering why I'm there. And the cherry on top would be that Sweet One won't get sick every time we go and if she does get sick, she'll fight it off quickly and not give the gersm to her brother. I don't really know. I do know that I wish there was a group in this area I could become a part of that I didn't feel like a sore thumb sticking out.

Goodnight, Sweet One

2011-09-29T19:45:00.004-04:00

- Goodnight, my love.
I walk to the door.
- Mom?
- Yes?
mumbles - No, thank you.
I opened the door and start to walk through.
- Mom?
It's like she was waiting for me to make my way out the door before our conversation continued!
- Yes?
- Can you make spaghetti tomorrow, too?
- Sure, sweetie.
We didn't have spaghetti tonight.
- Goodnight, Mom.
I hear the smack of her lips as she blows me a kiss through the darkness.
- Goodnight.

This has been the scene of the last few minutes each night as I leave Sweet One's room. (You can thank the NickJr. series Olivia for the spaghetti line. It's in one of the episodes we have on DVD because I we don't actually get that channel.) I love it. I absolutely love it. Just as much as I love looking at my Little Man's eyes light up when he looks over and knows he has my undivided attention.

One day I'll wish I could have these days back

2011-09-25T19:04:00.004-04:00

It's hilarious how overwhelming moments can be and then they're so quickly gone.

Little Man has seemed to work his way out of screaming himself to sleep. I can say that it has made my life much easier because while I knew we needed to go through it, my entire body ached and sometimes trembled while I listened to him scream. For awhile I thought he might be getting confused when I'd hold him during the day for his naps and make him go to sleep on his own at night. I think I was right. Today is day three of having him go to sleep on his own during the day as well and it has made all the difference. Very little crying at all. I'm not sure if there was even a total of two minutes of crying for all three times I put him down! I miss holding him and watching him go to sleep. After feeling worn out from the day, it give me quiet time to breathe and relax that I didn't feel guilty for taking.

With the change in seasons coming I'm going through the kid's clothes. I can barely keep up with clothes for Little Man as he is already moving into 9 and 12 months clothes. Sweet One isn't growing out of her hers that quickly but there are some 24 mth clothes that are finally a little small on her. After all, she is almost 33 months now! I'm a little emotional as I pack up some of their clothes knowing that any child of mine will never again be this little.

Right now I'm trying to have a few minutes to write these thoughts out hoping to clear my mind a bit. The day goes by and it is one nap after another as Little Man's two naps are on either side off Sweet One's one. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by this as I do not have even five to ten minutes of kid-free time for myself. Big Love is a great help in the morning but really, I'm just trying to get myself functioning so he can get to work. After an interrupted night's sleep it isn't always easy. Today as I was telling him how draining it feels to have our days defined by naps, he said that it won't always be like this. I know there will be the day I wish I could have them both napping and playing right by my side.

"I need my mum-mum," I hear as Sweet One is obviously having a difficult moment. I'll go to her and hold her. Because one of these days I may only hear that over the phone, if I'm that lucky.

***
I walked into the bathroom. Sweet One was on one end of the room and Big Love was on the other. She didn't want him to do anything to help her get ready for bed. (Usually he does most of it because I've been taking care of Little Man.) She hadn't even let him put her lotion on and so as I made my way to the floor I started rubbing her back with her lotion. "That feels good!" she said with a smile that took over her entire face and planted a huge kiss on me. If that isn't enough to make this all worth it, I'm not sure what is.

Violence at my doorstep

2011-09-17T21:36:00.004-04:00

Last night I spent more time awake than I'd like. Little Man woke me up for a second time around 3am and I didn't fall back asleep until nearly 5. The longer I was awake, the more frustrated I got. I starting thinking that if it were actually happening 'now' rather than the few days previous I might have known something of such magnitude was going on.

Three gunshots. One to gain entry, one to kill her and the third to kill himself. She no longer loved him and he wouldn't have it. A sad situation of domestic violence that her two children in the apartment when it was happening. I can only pray that they were asleep when their mother was shot. But I am not so naive to think they wouldn't have seen her body lying there or his as he took some of his last breaths before he died in the hospital. A grim scene that shouldn't happen to anyone.

My bedroom is approximately 50 feet from where this happened; Sweet One's is even closer. All of us were completely unaware of the entire event that took possession of the early hours. I didn't hear any shots nor did I see lights from all of the emergency personnel who came to the scene. I am ashamed to say that I didn't notice the crime scene tape around the building until Big Love pointed it out around 930 the next morning. He only noticed it after our friend pointed it out. That's six hours after it happened.

The only time we've been aware of things going on in that building were when people were screaming at each other on the balconies facing our house or when a young woman's children were playing on the steep hill that makes up the backyard (she was no longer living there when all of this happened).

So it does make sense that it could have all passed us by. But it feels wrong that we only learned of it the way the majority of this community, by word of mouth and the newspaper. "Too close to home" and yet it still feels miles away.

A renewed choice

2011-09-13T10:11:00.003-04:00

For the past five years, I haven't worked. My choice to move to this little town so Big Love could begin his career and enable us to start a family also meant that opportunities for my work were minimal. Also, I don't have a social security number which you need for almost everything in this country. (Luckily you can get an ITIN - income tax identification number - when you're in my situation and health insurance companies will still let you be covered without any number.) I could have found a specific type of job and then applied for a corresponding visa but there didn't seem to be anything in the area for me that was worth all of that gong show.

But yesterday things changed. Our Work Authorization Cards unexpectedly arrived in the mail and I can now go and get myself a Social Security Number. This also means that I could go and get any kind of job that I could find. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to leave my children in a day care. It's not that I'm opposed to day care, it is just that I would need a job that was highly personally fulfilling to let someone else raise my children for such a significant part of that day. And so, today I renew my choice to be a SAHM - a role I never thought I'd be 100%. I thought I'd have teaching/performing on the side while still spending the majority of my time with my children.

Hopefully renewing this choice with my new 'status' will help me find more fulfillment in my days with my children.

Soured Memory

2011-09-12T20:09:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I started craving a milkshake. Not just any milkshake but the kind we used to have when I was growing up. All three of us kids would join my dad in the kitchen. I think I can even remember all of us sitting up on the counter, waiting for a little taste of what was being put into the blender. We'd open our mouths like baby birds as we got a little bit of ice cream to sample. So tasty and so fun.

First my dad would crack some eggs into the blender. I faintly remember it being one egg per person. Next was the milk just before the ice cream. The blender turned on and whirled away as more ice cream was added to get the perfect consistency. At the end, the finishing touch - a little bit of orange juice concentrate. We loved these milkshakes and thought they were the best in the world.

It had been years since I had this particular milkshake. (During high school my preference was a nice thick 'shitty shake', or chocolate, as my friend and I would pick them up in the drive thru.) So after two or three days of wanting to taste this childhood memory, I picked up the ingredients and got rather excited to make one with Sweet One. (I opted to veto the egg just to be safe since I'm still nursing Little Man.) It whirled and looked so incredibly thick and tasty.

I poured some for Sweet One but she said, "No thank you!" Next was my glass. I made quite a bit because there was still some in the blender and Big Love didn't want to help. The moment I started drinking it I was completely disappointed. What was with the sour smell? There was no rich vanilla-ish flavor. Every mouthful made me wonder why I remembered it so fondly. Near the end, still wondering if perhaps some milk had dried and soured in the blender, I remembered that if I'm all out of buttermilk I can substitute regular milk with lemon juice in it. DUMBASS! The orange juice concentrate was the culprit!

I think I'll go back to my shitty shakes. At least they don't taste like soured milk!

Speechless

2011-09-05T20:06:00.001-04:00

Tonight, Little Man went down without a sound, save for a few grunts. It took him 8 minutes to fall asleep. I'm amazed and speechless!

All dressed up

2011-09-04T15:27:00.002-04:00

Little Man was baptized last Sunday and this is the outfit I made for him.I really had no idea if I'd even have the time to sew but after searching online for something appropriate, I realized that anything somewhat dressy for baby boys was rather expensive. In the end, it really didn't take me that long and I was happy with what I did. (I wasn't all that meticulous with the snap tape which is why the shorts hang somewhat uneven.)

My friend found a Simplicity pattern which I used (thank goodness it wasn't McCalls because I always do a better job on a Simplicity pattern) and the rest is history. A texture polyester material on top and a linen blend navy material on the bottom.

***
Day 1 of helping Little Man self-soothe. Good lord do I hate it! 49 minutes of him crying but thankfully the last half was on and off. I took the first 20 minute shift and I am not kidding when I say that as I sat on a stool, resting my head on the railing, I cried and asked God He had to make it so fucking difficult! I loathe the idea of leaving my baby to cry it out at all but luckily one of the sleep references I use recommends sitting beside the crib for the first three nights. Gradually, we'll make our way out of the room.

I use one other reference as well and mix the two together to find what I feel works best for us. In the end,deciding that tonight was the night we'd start him getting to sleep on his own came from my gut. (Shit, he just sneezed.) I've been working myself up to it for a few weeks. Prior to August he had been sleeping so well. An average of 9 hours at a time at night with a few nights where he'd sleep through the night. Since August has started I am lucky if he goes 5.5 hours. I don't expect forcing him to sleep on his own will cure this as it is quite common for babies his age to wake twice a night, but I do hope it will help him in the long run.

One hour after he fell asleep, one gin and tonic and some popcorn and I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully things won't take quite as long tomorrow night.

Motherlode

2011-09-02T21:28:00.001-04:00

It is impossible to pinpoint a time when my relationship with my mother started to decline but I know it wasn't always like this. The actual moment when I no longer felt like my mother would actually listen to me and hear what I'm saying is gone. It's rather sad. Quietly, I've always hoped for an idealized relationship with my mom. You know, the kind you see in the movies! Despite struggles, miscommunications and emotions, it always ends up being resolved after reaching an intimate honesty that can only be found between a mother and daughter. Well, maybe not exactly like the movies but similar to some I've seen between my friends and their mothers.

Last Thursday my mom and step-dad came for their first visit since Little Man was born. I was excited for the kids to see them and I thought that it started out well. We went to a zoo-type place on Friday where Sweet One had an amazing time and then on Saturday my mom and I spent a lot of time in the kitchen preparing the brunch that would follow Little Man's baptism. Sweet One absolutely loved having her here and I loved watching them together. I will especially remember how much Sweet One loved to walk hand in hand with my mom. But then it all suddenly went to shit. I didn't even realize what was happening. One of those moments where it is almost impossible to grasp what is really going on.

Let me set the scene with a little back story. My kitchen sucks. It is small and the space is poorly designed. Very little counter space to do anything. My mom made many comments about how difficult it is to work in my kitchen on Saturday and I agreed because we were working. I often complain to myself or Big Love while I'm working in there. On Sunday there were a total of 10 adults and 4 kids eating brunch and we pulled it off nicely. In the evening I was looking forward to some relaxing after such a busy day but my mom seemed to want to spend more time consumed by how shitty my kitchen is and what she would do to fix it. I asked her to stop. It wasn't only this visit that she has told me over and over how bad my kitchen is and I just wanted a break for a bit. I was tired. It had been a long day. She went off her rocker! Suddenly saying, "you have to let me be me" and a myriad of other things that made absolutely no sense. The more I desperately tried to get her to listen to what I was saying, the more she pursed her lips and stiffened her face. I wanted to scream, "wake the fuck up! I am not trying to criticize! You are putting words in my mouth!" but as my sister later told me, there is no point. She's in a point in her life where she is wrapped up so tightly in her own things that she doesn't hear what people are saying and it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it.

Monday morning she came to me and said that she and my step-dad were thinking of leaving early "because we haven't seen much of [the area just north of the US border]. You're so busy with the two kids and I think we're wearing out our welcome." I was sick to my stomach. As if all the struggles in our relationship are solely my fault! (As my sister also told me, my mom acts as if she never does anything wrong.) They did end up staying for one more day but after that you could cut the tension with a knife. I couldn't say anything without her reacting negatively. When they left the next morning, my step-dad said good-bye to everyone but me and pretty much ran out the door as fast as he could.

I sometimes wonder if we put too much expectation on these visits. With such a huge distance of space between us, it's as if we want a perfect time together to make up for how little time we spend together and how much money we have to invest in order to see each other.

Unfortunately, I think I need to lower my expectations. Both for these visits (if there are anymore!) and my relationship with my mom. I wish she was my 'go to' person but if I am honest with myself, she really hasn't been for many years. It is obvious to me that at this point in our lives we are not going to meet in the middle any time soon. My sister also struggles with my mom's deaf ears and so it is not just me being targeted and this helps me feel a little better.

I can not change her, I can only change myself. I will learn to let go. But the disappointment this realization brings is hard.

"Oh, Mother. I loved her at that moment, but what a motherlode she is."
Remembering the Bones, Frances Itani

(Today I put together a tumbling composter that my step-dad had bought me while he was here. Shortly after it was done I began to fill it with compost and about 5 minutes later it broke. I can almost guarantee you that my mom is thinking it is a symbol of our visit! "Because everything is a symbol to her.")

2011-08-26T20:08:00.002-04:00

the great lesson ... is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbors, friends, and family, in one's backyards.

- Abraham Maslow

This is where I saw the above quote and it seems to align with so much of what I'm trying to work through. And now back to family - because my mom and step-dad are here. Contrary to most of the latest visits, I don't want to kill my mother yet!

Sweet Snippets

2011-08-22T21:04:00.002-04:00

My mom and stepdad are going to be here in a few days. Since Sweet One hasn't seen them very much, and the last time they visited she was terrified of my stepdad the entire time, I've given her pictures of them to look at whenever she wants and we've been talking up their visit for a few weeks now. Yesterday at suppertime, Sweet One was providing us with Quintessential Sweet One - all her cuteness balled up and presented in a way only she can.

Big Love: Oh Sweet One, Grandma and Grandpa are going to get a kick out of you.
Sweet One: But no Dad, Gramma and Gramma are not going to kick me.

***
Today was a bit of a rough day for Sweet One. She was a champ when she got the FluMist but later in the afternoon she started acting bored and not quite herself. Then when we were across the street playing with the boys she tripped going down the stairs with a few toys in her hand. Luckily, it was only a few stairs but she still managed to hit her forehead on the concrete sidewalk and somehow cut the inside of her right index finger on the toys. It was probably one of her biggest falls. Between the two, I wasn't sure what to expect with nighttime because she was a little funky between the two major things during the day. Shortly after I tucked her in I heard her talking. Usually I wait a few minutes before going in and telling her to go to sleep, especially if she's not yelling. As I stood near her door I heard chatting and then, "Good night, Lamb". She was saying goodnight to all of the 'amimals' that are on her bed with her!

A small change with huge results

2011-08-21T09:24:00.007-04:00

I had a couple of days that forced me to reevaluate my current mindset. Sometimes I need this. A kick in the pants so hard that it leaves my legs wobbly long enough for me to figure out a new way to stand firm.

A week or two ago I first saw some news about Somalia. I wasn't aware of what was going on there and after about two minutes of AC360 just before going to bed, I felt nauseous. As a child I would see World Vision programs on the tube and my little heart would ache. I didn't understand why there were people out there who weren't getting enough food. It seems that my reaction as a mother is even stronger. It is beyond my comprehension why there are women out there who have their children dying.

For as long as I can remember, it has always been a challenge for me to look at the positive before the negative. And then it is just as difficult for me to let go of the negative and not let it overwhelm me. I have found varying degrees of coping from time to time, but unless I am constantly applying my tools I revert back to my old ways, feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head. (The lack of sleep with an infant in the house only makes this more difficult.)

After reading this article and letting it work its way into my gray matter, I became disgusted with myself. I have the luxury to feel my emotions. I have a roof over my head and can provide for my children each and every day. There is nothing in my life that could be considered a hardship at. all. Why the hell can I not find a way to be happy where I am?

"If you don't like your life, change it." For awhile now, I thought that I can't. It would require a geographical change and that is not an option. I erroneously believed that any change to help me be happier would have to be on a large scale. Then something clicked. I can change my negative thoughts. And I would. I owe it to myself, to my children and to my husband. After trying to figure out just how to go about this, I remembered some things I learned awhile back. While eating a Dilly Bar on our porch while the rain came down, I watched my family playing together and silently committed to stop negative thoughts in their tracks. Some were a "that's bullshit, it isn't really as bad as it looks" and others were "this is how I'm going to change it so that it doesn't continue". Perhaps it was all the work I did while doing the Tools to Life program, but after only a week or so I am already feeling better.

I can not change the world but I can change my world.

2011-08-12T14:00:00.002-04:00

She's walking around in circles and carrying her letter X while watching her favorite show (Word World). I whisper, "Can I give you a kiss?" and her face lights up as she walks over so we can plant one on each other.

I absolutely love that she will stop what she's doing because she likes my kisses so much. I'll pucker up as long as I can because I know one day she'll gag at the thought!

At Little Man's 4 month appointment

2011-08-11T16:10:00.003-04:00

Dr: He's looking good. You're doing a good job. Are you going to have more?
Me: Nope. I'm done.
Dr: (Something along the lines of, really?)
Me: It hurt too much when his head dropped.
Dr: You didn't have that exhilarating feeling when the head came through the birth canal?
Me: I was a c-section girl.

I did avoid using my little joke that my uterus spit out resignation papers after Little Man was taken out!

But oh! how mortified I felt when the doctor was checking Little Man's nethers and found a little bit of poop hidden in only the way a little boy could hide it. I quickly explained that last diaper change was in the dark, right before a nap. And when I got home I remembered that his last diaper change was done by Big Love right before we left for the appointment. (Pass the buck, thankyouverymuch. I'm still a good mom!)

He's now weighing 15lbs110z. This kid is huge! Well, at least he is to me because Sweet One was always in the 5-25 percentile and this kid is right in the middle. Little Man was getting tired near the end and really I don't blame him because we had been there for an hour. He screamed harder with his shots than he did two months ago and my levees were about to break. By the time we got home he wa back to his normal happy boy and didn't take long to get sleeping again.

Me, on the other hand, feel like I need to scrape the tired off my eyeballs. (That's what happens when you wake up every two hours even if your kids aren't waking you up.)

Stickin' like glue

2011-08-10T16:52:00.003-04:00

A few days ago I read this post from the Pioneer Woman and no matter what I do, I can not get one of the letters she featured in it out of my thoughts. Written two or three generations ago, a father writing to his daughter advice that is universal. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

"We're all placed here to do something. It is for us and not for others to find out what that something is, and there with all the energy of which we are capable, honestly and prayerfully to be gone about our business."

And then this morning on FB I read something in a status that is also not going anywhere.

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between the two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth."

The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

Both of these seem to be sticking to my innerds like glue. Quietly working their way through my mind, my heart and anywhere else that needs it.

One small change

2011-08-07T10:36:00.003-04:00

As I went to bed last night I realized that perhaps I can change things, a few minutes at a time. So I've decided that I will take 5 to 10 minutes for myself every day. Even if I have to go and hide out in our newly insulated attic, I will take these minutes for myself. I will not let anything interrupt me (unless its an emergency). And I will breathe. I will sit there and breathe. That is it. But I think a small change like this will possibly yield great results.

A muddled mess

2011-08-06T21:16:00.003-04:00

I can not get my thought out. I want to scream it but each time I start to type and try to figure out what it really is, the words suck. My feeble attempts to put words together fall apart. I'm frustrated. Being a SAHM isn't something I imagined being. I imagined being home with my kids but having something of my own to do on a regular basis.

I thought that by the age of 33 I'd have a better idea of what makes me happy. But I am still just a girl trying to make sense of life. And I get sick and tired of reading things that tell me to follow my dreams, live my passion, if I'm not happy I should just change it. It's not that easy. (And for many others, it is impossible because they can barely keep food on their table.)

But that is where this foggy brain stops. Eager for a few answers. Hoping desperately that just once, the work I do to get my gray matter to function better doesn't always have to have the "one step back". That the times I feel like I got somewhere, managed to get a bit more of a handle on my dysthymia, don't have to be a memory.

I want to be able to be more present in each and every moment but it is hard because I am constantly thinking of what needs to get done next, or where I need to clean when the opportunity arises. I hate it that I check my watch while I am playing with my daughter to see how long I've been doing it for, rather than just doing it.

How often I am reminded of growth being an erratic "two steps forward, one step back" in so many ways. It happens with my kids and it happens with my emotional state. But when it is the latter I get pissed off because I hate being in this place, feeling like I can never get my steps quite big enough to get out of the mud.

Potty talk

2011-08-02T21:53:00.003-04:00

Potty training is in full swing and I am so proud of my little girl.

So many people told me to wait until she was ready and not try to get her going earlier. Well, I tried earlier and it was awful.

Then I waited.

I cried when I had nasty diapers to change because it seemed they always happened when I was dead tired and had a screaming baby.

A few days ago she decides she's going to earn the lollipop and pees all on her own. "I did it! I peed in the potty!"

That was three and a half days ago. Many lollipops have been eaten, as well as other 'surprises' earned from the prize box. Sometimes she gets mad because she wants another prize but has peed too recently. "Potty is not working!"

Today ended with a 'big poop' (according to Big Love) in the potty right before bed, uncoached by either one of us.

I could not be more proud of my little girl. I could not be more relieved that it is going so well. Now if only we can make sure her teeth don't fall out from all the lollipops!

2011-07-27T11:03:00.003-04:00

Of course the day after I am crying and screaming inside about how I feel completely bizarre about how my body looks to me in our family portraits, I read someone's post about trying to present a good model for her child! Hopefully I, too, will learn to give myself a break.

I'm lucky because this time around, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight already. That is, my second pregnancy, as I never did get back to where I was before Sweet One was born because I no longer had time to work out 1.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I do strongly attribute my weight loss this time around to how active I was with this past pregnancy. I did a challenging work out two to three times a week for most of the pregnancy, only stopping in the last few weeks or so because I felt very uncomfortable for the day after doing it. (This workout had me sweating, grunting and building a lot of muscle safely!) I also had two yoga videos that I did in the evening up until two nights before Little Man was cut out.

A case of dysmorphia

2011-07-26T18:43:00.003-04:00

Our church is doing a new directory and so with that comes family portraits. Today we had our appointment and I left, holding onto a flood of tears for when I was back in the safety of my own home. I don't know what it is with what I see. Leaving the house, I looked in the mirror and thought everything was fine. (I am reminded of the movie Julie and Julia when Julia Child and her sister say something along the lines of 'good but not great' when they are finished preparing for a special dinner.)

The picture taking experience itself wasn't the greatest. Sweet One decided to see just how many times she could say, "No!" in the twenty minutes or so that we had. Luckily, we got some good shots of her. Little Man started getting cranky just when it was his turn for solo shots and so we only got a decent one of him. (Good, not great, once again.)

We sat down with our photographer and looked at the pictures on the computer deciding what we'd like to purchase. I barely recognized myself in the pictures. The rest of my family looked just how they look to me, but I had proportions all over the place that I didn't realize were there. I don't know if it was the angle or the fact that I was worrying about the kids more than I should have been .... but I hated what I saw. And now I'm miserable.

On top of it, these pictures were ridiculously priced and despite our photographers best attempts to get us as many pictures for as little of a price, I'm not fully happy with what we spent money on. If the pictures of Sweet One hadn't been so good I probably wouldn't have spent a penny. But as it is, we bought 4 - 3x5 of the family portrait to give to family as well as a proof set. (Still $75!) I'm embarrassed to think family will have these pictures for many years. Perhaps we need to one day splurge on a really good, professional photographer.

I don't know why I see something so much different in the mirror. Perhaps who I am and what I see in the mirror is more connected than I'd like it to be. I don't know how to fix this. But I do know that if I want to raise a daughter who is confident and happy with how she looks I'd better figure something out - quick.

If only I had a Dymo label maker lodged in my temple

2011-07-22T20:40:00.002-04:00

Because then when I am sitting in the dark, holding Little Man as he falls asleep and my mind is finally resting after a long, hot day filled with temper tantrums, time outs and everything else that goes with having a toddler, all of the thoughts I am processing could actually be put to blog as clearly as I hear them in the quiet. It is amazing because in those moments before I place him in his crib I can actually process a thought without everything else interjecting.

The problem is that by the time he is in his crib, I will either have to continue fighting with Sweet One to convince her to fall asleep or come downstairs to a mess that needs to be cleaned up. Lately, it has been so goddam hot here that if I don't have to do either of those, the only thing I can do is collapse into a heap on the floor. This western girl doesn't fare in the humid heat. Gimme a dry heat and I'll suck it up. But with the house not cooling off at night and me worrying about whether my swaddled infant is overheating, I'm almost losing my mind. If I didn't have children, I'd probably be lying with my body spread out over as much surface as possible as I drool and watch tv show after tv show with a vacant expression in my mind. Having to care for two children doesn't really make the heat better. I can tell that the kids are starting to lose their minds from it, as well. And really, I'm not the greatest mom when my gray matter has turned to pudding and sloshing around my skull.

So onto a completely different topic, my newest pet peeve. Then and Than. Why are people so incapable of using it correctly? I have no idea but I wish they'd learn.

Onto Love Bites. One of my favorite summer programs. Three different short stories each episode seem completely unrelated to one another, but there are tidbits that pop up to connect them through a few recurring characters. I giggle. And for some reason, I love Greg Grunberg. He always makes me chuckle. Especially in this show with the relationship between his character and the wife. So cute.

Ok. Officially mixing the pudding up as I shake my head so I will turn off and hope for clearer brain days ahead!

Time out for nothing

2011-07-04T08:36:00.003-04:00

Sweet One loves to take the paper cover off of her crayons. I don't really care. It lets her practice her fine motor skills! What I did care about was the red mark on the floor beside all of her paper droppings , especially after she had colored a large patch on the floor while her Dad was gone. So I put her in time out and tried to get her to stop screaming while she was there. It was long and didn't achieve what I hoped. I went to start cleaning the crayon out of the carpet and realized it was an old jello stain that had been there for awhile. What an asshole I was. Not only did she have a very long time out that left her sobbing in heaves, but she had a time out for doing nothing wrong! Next time I'll rub the mark for wax before assuming she's colored.

This was three days ago now and I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.

With a whole lot of help from my friends

2011-07-03T10:57:00.003-04:00

My best friend in the world, M, was here for a visit last week to meet Little Man and help me out while Big Love was out of town. I do not have the words for how wonderful it was to have her here. Getting very little sleep and a very fussy baby around the supper prep time, I don't think I would have survived as well as I did without her making me supper, doing dishes, tidying my house while I was putting the kids to bed and most of all, playing with Sweet One. On top of all that, having time to talk with her and simply be around her was the greatest.

When M walked down the stairs the first morning she was here (she arrived after the kids were sleeping), Sweet One immediately took to her. This surprised me a little because she usually needs a bit of time to adjust to someone new being in her house. A few days later I realized that M has seen Sweet One five times since she was born and this is probably why Sweet One adores her so much.

I have always been so thankful for M in my life, but seeing her loving my children and taking time out of her busy schedule to spend so much time with us, it gives our friendship a greater depth. She doesn't have to do this but she does and I love her even more for it.

***
Five years ago today we crossed the border and made our journey east to where we now live. We weren't quite sure what we were getting ourselves into and it has had its ups and downs, but I have learned and grown so much since that fateful day.

Today would have marked the day that we were officially out of status had the I-360 not miraculously been approved. For almost two weeks we were planning to be without a paycheck for a short but significant amount of time when it comes to our finances. My friend who lives across the street is also a Canadian and understands the stress of visas. Yesterday while Sweet One and I were over at their place playing with the two younger boys and their dad, he mentioned that it was great that we were still in status because then they didn't have to pay our mortgage. Very confused, I asked him what they were talking about and he told me that my friend told him that if Big Love was out of work they were going to pay our mortgage. This blew me away. I told him he was crazy and he said, no, that was what she said. The fact that they would do that for us leaves me speechless and humbled. I have absolutely no words. (Although, I'm very relieved it never ended up coming to that point!)

I don't really know what I have done in my life to deserve such friendships.

Just in time ... but not quite

2011-06-24T14:34:00.004-04:00

I found out half an hour ago that our I-380 was approved. Recently the Federal Courts decided to question whether or not these can be filed concurrently with an I-485. Had they not done so, we would have received our green cards with about a week to spare before our current visas expire. Then we wouldn't be in the situation we are: shitting bricks over whether or not Big Love will be getting paychecks next month. I cannot imagine that our I-485 would be approved fast enough but who knows if we could speed it up and avoid applying for the H visas. Who knows. It is all a gong show and I feel like a dryer ball being tossed around in the heat.

..... about 8 hours later....

You'd think that by this point I'd be able to understand all the steps and what happens when, well, not so much. The bad thing is that sometimes my head spins when I try to figure it all out and the good thing? Well, an I-360 gets approved and it is even a much better development that I first thought! After talking with our lawyer, this was what he was hoping for; it's a best case scenario!

We felt pretty strange for awhile, questioning why we are here and what brought us here, are we going to have to pack up and return to Canada, etc. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy some Canadiana as I watch Rookie Blue!

WW Sweet One

2011-06-20T16:04:00.003-04:00

"Stop it, Sweet One! It hurts!" she shouts as she plays by herself, wrestling a package of disposable diapers. I assume the diapers are winning if she's the one shouting stop it!

2011-06-20T08:24:00.001-04:00

There are moments when I look at my Little Man staring at me and I am positive that I have seen his face before. I am not sure where. Is it a resemblance to a family member? I don't know. But his face is familiar as if I have known him long before he was ever here.

Blue eyes, staring at me

2011-06-13T21:22:00.004-04:00

After two days of 3.5 hour long naps, this Little Man has decided to stop sleeping it seems. He didn't sleep for more than 35 minutes at a time today and yet he'd wake up completely exhausted and wanting to go back to sleep. At 6:45 I brought him upstairs to start getting him ready for sleep since he was acting completely exhausted. I changed him, fed him, read to him and turned on his lullaby music while I started to rock him to sleep. Well, he fell asleep, then woke up screaming as if wakened by a bad dream. Big Love worked on him for 45 minutes but he woke up shortly after being put in the crib. Now it is 9:25 and he seems as bright eyed as ever. Luckily he is not fussy. Just not wanting to sleep. One of these days I will have to start making him go to sleep on his own, but not tonight. (Although the last two nights he was totally showing that he might be ready for it!) Argh. Babies. If only we could get a print out of what was going on from minute to minute!

Can't do anything but hope for the best

2011-06-11T15:41:00.003-04:00

My lawyer drives me nuts. While I fully believe that he is completely competent at what he is doing, I want to punch him in the head! Over the past three or four years I have been regularly trying to get our green card application moving. I'm not one to leave important things to the last minute but every time I tried to voice my concern he told me that all would be alright and there would be no problems because he anticipated that we should have green cards in our hands before our R-1 and R-2 Visas ran out.

April 2010 - I finally get the questionnaires and lists of everything the lawyer's office needed to put together our application
June 2010 - after a few emails asking what was going on and where we were, the lawyer tells me that he just needs to put on the finishing touches and all will be good.
....more emails go unanswered as I try to find out where we are with everything....
November 2010 - FINALLY! I hear from our lawyer and he says that he just needs a few more things before putting in the applications. WTF! I thought they were already put in! Needs checks made out to Homeland Security for our applications. Another WTF! because we've already provided him with them. Oh! But it was so long ago and they are no longer valid so we need to provide new ones. Ok. Still told that all is going to be fine and we don't have to worry about anything.
Early 2011 - the church receives notification from Homeland Security that our applications for green cards has been received.
May 2001 - Big Love starts to have some concerns that we haven't received our travel documents and whether or not he'll be able to work once our visas expire. I told him that our lawyer said everything would be ok but I phone his office just to confirm. As with many other emails, I am sent to voicemail with no returned phone call. A week later I call again. Same thing. A few days later I email and ask what is going on. We finally get an email that is not very good news. Our visas expire July 2, 2011 and something happened so he can not file the two petitions concurrently and things are backed up in California with the applications, and blah blah. We have to apply for completely new visas while the green card stuff is in process so that Big Love can continue to receive pay checks. While our lawyer says there is still nothing to worry about in regards to our green card applications going through, it may be another year before we have the actual green card in hand.
June 11, 2011 - The new visas have not been applied for because we are waiting on our lawyer to tell us he's got his part done and how much the checks need to be made out for, as well as the fact that Big Love's passport has expired and we're waiting on the new one being delivered. Again, the lawyer says he has no doubts that we'll be accepted for this new visa and so we are preparing for a worst-case scenario of losing out on half a month's pay which can not be retroactively paid once the new visas are approved. We know we're going to be ok and we have some savings, but if we have to go the full half a month, all of our savings will be gone. We are not happy about this and it is a stress that is sitting in the back of our minds 24/7. I can not help but believe that had our lawyer gotten onto these a hell of a lot sooner as I had been requesting, then this would not be going on right now.

There's also a possibility that we may not be able to renew our Driver's Licenses in time for their expiration on July 2 (only get them as long as we have a valid visa) and so to put salt in the wound, Big Love will be on an unanticipated holiday but we won't be able to go anywhere! Not even to the nearby beach for Sweet One to play. (We were there the other day and to say she loved it would be a gross understatement.)

How I hate having my fate in the hands of mere mortals.

Finding the music

2011-06-09T20:04:00.003-04:00

Sweet One was walking around the porch while I sat with Little Man on the anti-gravity chair that I got for Mother's Day. After only a few bites on her green popsicle I heard music that was carrying through the air like only live music played outside can. I had a feeling it wasn't far at all given how precisely I could hear a lot of the rhythms; there was clarity that would have been distorted into a mush of notes if it had been traveling from further away. On the other side of the block there is a Big House with a large lawn that was once home to a prestigious person in this little town. Our house is actually on land that would have once been the orchard to the Big House. I was pretty sure that that was where the music was coming from.

I asked Sweet One if she wanted to go and find the music. Her reaction surprised me somewhat as she was ready to give up her popsicle to go on her search, wearing only a shirt and diaper. Luckily, it didn't take long for me to persuade her that she needed pants and sandals. Big Love was pretty much done cleaning up the few dinner dishes that BBQing leaves behind. I tied Little Man into the BabyHawk and we were off.

Sweet One ran around the block where we came upon a band of about 12 playing swing music, big band style to a small crowd. Little Man didn't allow me to stay for long but Sweet One having a most enjoyable time sitting in her Daddy's lap and listening to the music. When they got back to our house Big Love said that Sweet One was up and dancing for awhile. Swinging her arms and bouncing up and down. Oh, to be a little girl again. The sole dancer in a small crowd, moving whichever way the music moves her without a care in the world!

Gaining independence

2011-06-04T14:56:00.004-04:00

There is nothing quite like watching Sweet One figure new things out. When she manages to do something on her own, the look of pride (and perhaps surprise) at what she has just accomplished is enormous. It radiates. She gets so excited and shouts, "I did it!" She's also started telling me, "I can do it" so that I will stop helping her and let her do it on her own. This new sense of independence she has is bittersweet. As my sister mentioned when I told her that my niece sounded so grown up since I last talked to her on the phone: "I love it and I hate it."

Another day, a few more things figured out

2011-05-31T20:34:00.003-04:00

A hot day full of absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, but a few things learned.

Although it won't get completed in one huge whirlwind as I'm used to, the garden will get planted and the beds will be cleaned up because a lot can be accomplished in fifteen minutes here and there. It is ok that I don't get it all done at once because right now it is more important to be able to move when I'm done and hold my little boy without a revolt from my muscles.
We've had three days in the 90'sF/30-31C and it seems that by the end of it, Sweet One is melting down just as I want to. It could be a very long summer and I'm already wanting to ram my head through a wall.
I don't like only getting 6.5 hours of sleep in a night. Especially when it's in 2 hour pockets here and there. But in the end, I can still make it to the end of the day without losing my mind and that's a good thing.
I don't have the fanciest espresso maker nor the most impressive grinder but in my world, I can make an iced Americano in the morning that I really enjoy. (And Sweet One keeps telling me "I need coffee" so I can actually get her drinking some milk when I put a small drop of the decaf espresso in a cup for her!)

Memorial Day Parade

2011-05-30T20:31:00.004-04:00

We watched the parade go by as we ran past the different participants parked along the street waiting to start marching or driving. Sweet One seemed to think that you walk alongside the parade as we came to a stop just as the first few groups were starting to go. In a very contained way, Sweet One loved last year's parade and so we wanted to go again. This year the flag she was given was even bigger than before and so was her personal display of excitement. I marveled at each of her shouts of joy as all the various sections went by. Fifteen minutes that flew by much too quickly with fifteen minutes of screaming that followed from her disappointment that she couldn't follow and see more.

The holidays that mark important moments in this country's history are slowly becoming more of our celebrations, too. How could they not with two children who are American, as well as Canadian? As I watched my little poster child with her pigtails and flag in hand, I almost had to choke back tears. At first I thought this strange. Memorial Day isn't Canadian. It isn't my holiday. But in the end, regardless of what country I am in or whose holiday it is, recognizing the toll that war takes on soldiers, families and all the human race isn't something that needs to be categorized. And so I continued to watch my daughter as she delighted in what was passing in front of her, hoping desperately that by the time we have to explain what it all means perhaps wars would be stories of the past and not the present.

The arsenic hour

2011-05-28T18:04:00.003-04:00

That's what my friend calls 4pm or so until supper time when the kids are going crazy while you're trying to get supper ready.

If Little Man hasn't slept well in the afternoon - aka if I've spent all afternoon holding him or walking around with him in the BabyHawk - my anxiety levels rise. Once 430 or 5 hits I start to shut down. Big Love is often home so it's not like I'm trying to juggle both kids on my own. It's rather ridiculous/overwhelming and can last until well after we've gotten Sweet One to sleep.

I'm starting to think that Little Man's sleeping, both day and night, has taken a turn for the worse ever since I introduced the soother at about 6 weeks old. Fukkin' soother. I hate you.

Disappearance

2011-05-27T21:29:00.002-04:00

I adore my children. Each day is about taking care of them. Pretty much every minute. In the end I know that I trust my instincts but these days I can not help but second guess myself with everything.

Over the past five years I have slowly let go of everything that has given me a sense of self. Of my search for meaning in my own life. I let go of singing when we first came to this town and found great meaning in practicing yoga. It helped me heal wounds that had been festering for years. Yoga enabled me to begin, in a very small sense, a spiritual journey which I had always wanted to find but never knew where to begin. I never really understood that it could be Within.

But I stopped going to yoga classes after Sweet One was born. The timing of the classes never lined up with her nursing schedule and for the longest time I was the only one who could get her sleeping. I tried to use DVDs and CD practices as often as I could but it was never as much as I liked. While I was pregnant with Little Man I did yoga regularly but it was always more about physical rather than spiritual survival.

When I went to my 6 week check up my doctor was worried about me having postpartum depression. Maybe I'm a little worried about it, too. But I think it is more rooted in the fact that that I feel afraid of not being able to get back to the self-care and self-discovery that I was able to for awhile. Before I was a mom.

I love being a mom. There are moments when I find great riches in watching my children grow. Sweet One has began expressing herself in ways I never imagined. It is beautiful. She already shows such a capacity to love as she smothers her little brother with kisses. Then there is her intelligence. Learning the ABC's so quickly and being able to identify the letters by sight (both upper and lower case). But what astonishes me the most is how she keeps us on our toes. Just this evening she managed to finish her popsicle and then switch out her empty stick with the half eaten one Big Love was holding - and she did it so quickly and smoothly that Big Love didn't even know what was happening. A huge cheer for herself having finished the green popsicle as she started on the remainder of Big Love's red one. My words pale in adequately describing just how funny this moment was. We let her keep the extra popsicle because it was just too cute the way she outwitted her dad. It is moments like these that I know this is where I am supposed to be.

I know that eventually I will have to balance this all out with time for myself. I will be no good to anyone if I constantly give without replenishing. I just don't know how I will ever get there and it scares the shit out of me. The map looks as scattered as this post; I have a vague idea of where I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to say but having given everything I have to everyone else today I'm left depleted.

I need to find a way to nurture my spiritual self before I disappear.

2 hours? No, thank you.

2011-05-16T16:19:00.002-04:00

From what I've heard, most moms want to avoid the 'mistakes' they made with the first kid once the second comes along. I am no different. I'm desperately trying to get the sleep training off to a good start. (And no, I'm not trying to get Little Man to fall asleep on his own yet.) I'm trying to focus on the one to two hour window and have him sleeping within a maximum of 2 hours once he wakes up. For the life of me, I can not get this going and I end up spending about 3 hours trying to get him to sleep a good nap!

***
Do you want a sandwich for lunch?
No, thank you.
Do you want an apple?
No, thank you.

Really, it seems that we have taught her "No, thank you" very well as she will say this to almost anything I list off to try and get her to eat. And it is delivered in the sweetest little voice you can imagine.

Flailing

2011-05-15T15:02:00.002-04:00

After realizing there was no where else to put it, I moved the crib into our room this past Thursday. The kids will eventually share a room but we figure that until Little Man is sleeping through the night, we can't really have them together. Sweet One's sleep is still mangled enough as it is! We can't leave the crib in the office because that's where guests will need to sleep when they come to visit and while visits are few and far between, we still need to have the space available. Yes, this is all one more decision that I've felt completely inept at. Why is it that I don't feel a little more competent the second time around?

Little Man had been sleeping very well for awhile. One night he even went 7 hours without a feed! I was elated. Thinking that since I made the effort to get the crib in our room I decided to see how he would do if I moved him from the sleeper he had been using to the crib. Now the sleeper is not flat and once he's in there it leaves very little room for his body to flail at all when he goes through those moments of shake, rattle and startle like these little ones do. The first night in the crib he was alright but the last two nights have been quite rough. Waking every two hours or so and not even wanting to eat each time has left me barely getting an hour of sleep at a time. Things were not great during the day either because he would not fall asleep and stay asleep for his naps. I am starting to lose my mind! So I think I'll move him back into the sleeper tonight and see how he does. (Let's just add this to the 'I have no fukking clue' list.)

What I would give to be able to talk to someone who's been here. At this exact moment I am at a loss.

(Little Man was put down for a nap 2 hours ago. In the sleeper. Where's his frikkin' instruction manual!)

Brief stream of consciousness, otherwise known as a brainfart

2011-05-07T16:43:00.003-04:00

This rollercoaster ride of mothering is kinda crazy. One minute I'm almost yelling at my daughter to stop screaming (yeah, that makes sense) and the next she is snuggling close to me, looking like a perfect angel. And at the same time, I'm spending time with a small knot in my stomach trying to figure how and when to put the kids in the same room. I figure that I should wait to do this when Little Man will be able to sleep through the night for the most part which leads me directly into wondering when I should start making him fall asleep on his own. I have no clue even though I went through this before. If he cries for too long he will wake up Sweet One and that is no good when we're trying to train her to sleep longer. We had a hell of a time getting Sweet One to sleep without her soother (transl. "binky") and I don't want to have to do that again. It was necessary to stop her from sleeping with it because once she got used to it she finally started sleeping well. Quite honestly, if I could get him to go without one all together I would. But I know it is a good idea because it helps prevent SIDS and it is a natural instinct that babies have to soothe themselves. Maybe he'll be one of the breastfed babies who don't want a soother. Good lord, both of these kids of mine were suckers if the sucking blisters on their lips (Sweet One's have gone away) are any indication of how much they did it in the womb. I have to remember that while Sweet One still doesn't want to completely give up her soother, Little Man could be completely different and not crave them like crack.

Sweet sharing

2011-04-28T10:14:00.001-04:00

(I really hope I haven't posted this before!)

Whenever Sweet One wants a cookie, we bring her the container and she first picks one out for me, then for her Dad if he is here and then for herself. This is something she came up with on her own and I find it unbelievably sweet. If I don't really want to eat a cookie, she gets after me to make sure I eat it!

Five

2011-04-23T20:19:00.003-04:00

How do other moms manage to get everything done and still have some time for themselves? Right now, the idea of ever getting to the place where I can keep the house clean, make our meals, spend time with the kids and do all the other little things that need to be done in a day seems impossible. Nevermind trying to find some time to recharge myself in all of that. I do not want each of my days to merely be survived. I want the free time I have during the day to be spent with my kids not grasping at straws to get all the chores done. I'm ok with collapsing at the end of the day, closing my eyes knowing that my sleep won't be the greatest. I fear that my ability to achieve a mom-self balance is elusive.

Four

2011-04-21T12:30:00.003-04:00

It's one of my favorite moments in the day and I've been lucky enough to have it every day since Big Love went back to work. Sweet One and I are lying on her bed with the lights out. She is gently snoring as she rubs up against my left side. Beside the bed is Little Man in his sleeper (the best $45 I've ever spent!). It is quiet while we all drift off to sleep. Eventually I will be roused from my sleep from Little Man's noises; this little guy can sometimes snore louder than his sister! When Sweet One wakes up, she looks over and rolls into me for a snuggle. Sometimes it is quick because she wants to get up and then there are times when it is a little bit extended so that I can enjoy snuggling with my little girl.

Three

2011-04-17T11:05:00.003-04:00

This morning I get a failing grade at being a mother of two. Between not getting much sleep at night, a toddler who doesn't understand how to use a 'quiet voice', constantly needing to get Little Man to nap - well, I'm losing my patience more than I should be. Mostly it is directed at Sweet One and she doesn't deserve that.

Our low point this morning was when twenty minutes in to trying to get Little Man sleeping, he just wasn't getting into that deep sleep state. Sweet One came close to him and started talking loudly. Again, I desperately told her to not talk so close to him but she looked at me like I was talking greek. She continued to talk so I took her arm and moved her into the next room. She stumbled and grabbed her arm. Did I accidentally pinched her? Probably not, but I've never been rough with her before. She started screaming and so I put her in time out where she continued to cry. Feeling completely guilty for losing my patience, I joined her in time out and gave her a hug while I apologized for being mad and tried to explain to her how Little Man needs quiet to fall asleep. Then she went into the living room and after I started crying she came back to hug me profusely until she thought I was a little better. I tried to get myself together. But I don't really think I did.

I don't feel like I'm ever going to find a balance where I feel like I'm giving Sweet One enough attention, managing Little Man's nap schedule and trying to find some time to rest myself. Perhaps this will change when Little Man's schedule is more predictable and I'm getting more sleep at night. For now, it seems like it is going to be exhaustion coupled with a desperation not to take out my frustration on Sweet One. Then perhaps I'll have a regular meltdown now and again!

(I guess not everything that leaves a major impression on me during these early days is a positive one.)

Awakenings

2011-04-13T11:26:00.003-04:00

When my daughter was little I knew how lucky I was that for the majority of our nights the feedings were often 4 hours apart. What made it so that she would sleep so well, I'm not exactly sure. It did take some time for her to get to sleep, but at least I was usually only awake for up to an hour at a time.

Last night was the third night where I was constantly reminding myself of how lucky I was with Sweet One. I started waking up at 12:20, Sweet One woke up at 12:40 and then Little Man woke up at 1:10. I fed him, he looked around. He was completely mesmerized by the shadows on the wall that the 15 watt lightbulb makes in my bedside light. It wasn't until 3:30 that I finally got back to sleep. But he was hungry again at 5:10 and then I had to wake him up around 8:30 since it was 'daytime' and I don't want him to go too long between feedings during the day.

I don't really know how I survive this. I guess we all do. Big Love goes back to work tomorrow and I will be eternally grateful that he doesn't have a job where he needs to be there by 8 until 5 or 6. It will be a back and forth day with choir rehearsal in the evening so I will also do bedtime solo for the first time. Again, another situation where I know I will be fine once I'm in the middle of it all but right now it makes my post-partum anxiety jump up higher than I like.

Two

2011-04-08T12:06:00.002-04:00

I can't help but compare the early days with Little Man to those with Sweet One. I considered Sweet One such an easy baby and I know this was true. But so far Little Man is even easier.

I never co-slept with Sweet One but I have been with Little Man. It started because I was by myself at nights in the hospital and it was easier than ringing the nurses every time I needed to get him out of the crib. Also, the first night he insisted on nursing for almost 3 hours straight so it was impossible to get any rest without just falling asleep while he ate. (And yes, technically the nurses are not allowed to let him sleep in teh bed with me but they turned a blind eye and for this I am deeply grateful!)

When Sweet One started out, feeding her was a great challenge - which we overcame despite many swear words and tears. Luckily, since I already knew what to do, it was much easier to get things going well with Little Man. While Sweet One would have been taking 30-45 minutes for a feed at this time, Little Man only takes 10-20! And yes, it is enough as I only have to feed him every 4 hours at night. After I'm done feeding him, it usually only takes a few minutes to get him sleeping while Sweet One would often cry for up to 20 minutes. All of this leaves me getting more rest and not stressing myself to tears every time he is hungry!

One

2011-04-05T20:59:00.002-04:00

I do not have the time and energy to put together anything extensive so I have decided that over the next while I will briefly share some of the things that are most impressed upon me these days.

My daughter grew up in the 3.5 days that I was in the hospital. She seems bigger, taller and so completely away from her baby days that I am at a loss for where they went. She loves her little brother and is constantly wanting to kiss him. There are moments where she struggles with the new roles in our family but for the most part, I keep looking at this little girl who seems to have grown up so much in such a short time.

Tomorrow it's all going to change

2011-03-31T20:18:00.004-04:00

My dear Sweet One,

For a few minutes you tossed and turned finding every possible way to get my attention. Finally, one more tuck in and a "water ... where are you?" followed by a huge giggle when you realized it was right beside you. A few moments later I heard you whisper, "Good night. Sleep." a few times.

How sweet and precious you are to me. I have never been away from you for more than four hours. It's not because I felt like you wouldn't survive without me, it's just that there was never any need for it. But tomorrow that will all change. We will have to spend most of the day apart because tomorrow is a day that will change all of us for good. You will have a baby brother or a baby sister.

I desperately hope I can help you learn to be kind to this little one who will join us. To love him or her as much as you possibly can. I know there will be bumps along the way but having a sibling is very important. Hopefully you will be friends and always be there for one another. You have such a wonderful spirit and I know that your sibling will be very lucky to have you for a big sister.

Love,

Mum-mum

I always do my best thinking at 3am!

2011-03-31T02:56:00.002-04:00

As the time draws closer and closer for this new little one to be removed from my body, I am completely relieved that I will no longer pregnant. So many of the feelings from the baby dropping have been harder than I'd ever imagine and incredibly painful. As a woman who will never experience a natural birth, I am blown away by this small sample of what it might feel like.

So yes, I am completely looking forward to not being pregnant an ymore but just as worried about what will happen after. This pregnancy has been so different than my first. I don't have the same kind of excitement about it as I did before which leaves me feeling guilty. I can only hope that once I am holding this little one I will be as in love with it as I possibly can. My guess is that once again as I find myself in the middle of everything I will look back at this 3am bran fart and laugh at how silly I was to think these thoughts.

So it's back to bed, hoping that maybe I can get more than 2 hours in a row (lately the most sleep I get in one dose is 2.5 if I'm lucky) and not feel like absolute shit in the morning.

Silently Sleeping

2011-03-28T18:17:00.002-04:00

Except for the twilight peeking through the sides of her curtains, Sweet One's room was dark as I sat in the rocking chair waiting for her to fall asleep. We gave up trying to convince her to stay in her bed because it was becoming too stressful and since she doesn't sleep long enough we wanted her to get every minute possible. So, Big Love and I take turns sitting in her room as she falls asleep. Last night it didn't take that long but there was a lot of moving around as she tried to get her very tired body to give up. I don't usually check on her right before I leave the room in fear of waking her up but last night I decided to and I was so relieved that I did! I was starting to panic a bit as I desperately felt around to figure out what it actually was that I was seeing. She's been fighting off another cold over the past week and I thought it very strange that I couldn't hear her little snore at all. Finally I realized that what I thought was her head was actually her butt and as I felt along her back I found that her head was completely underneath the pillow. How lovely her little snore sounded as soon as I moved the pillow!

I stopped "should"-ing on myself and it feels great!

2011-03-24T21:06:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I hit my wall. I spent my spare time working on a blazer made from sweatshirt fleece that I had wanted to get done (McCalls 5714) but it was turning out as if Sweet One had helped me with it. Since moving to this town I've lost my avenues of creative expression. Since it is hard to find time to get out of town for shopping when I need them, I've had high hopes that I could improve my sewing skills to enhance my wardrobe in a way that helps me express myself without breaking the bank. A double bonus would be the creativity it takes just to make the pieces. So far I have failed miserably. Last summer I made a shirt and a pair of shorts which are both unwearable. I really have no clue if this blazer is going to be salvageable. I was very upset by the time I was done sewing yesterday. I packed up my machine. Maybe I need a good book to teach me more about garment sewing. I know I need more time and patience with myself than I have.

I started feeling sick right around supper time last night. Funny that it should line up with hitting the wall! I had been feeling so stressed over the past few days worrying about what I wasn't getting done and how much time I wasn't focussing on Sweet One. All of this was simply not a good combination with less than two weeks before this baby is cut out of me.

I made a decision. Since I got all but the finishing done on the sweater last night, it was time to stop worrying. To give myself as much time to rest as I could and to enjoy the last few days I have with only one child. The house needs a bit more cleaning so that I can feel like I haven't left stupid things all over the place and other than that, I am not taking on anything else that isn't every day necessities. Yesterday around 6:30 I was crying on the couch, snuggling with Sweet One as she watched Super Why? on the computer. At the same time today I was lying on the floor playing with Sweet One. I laughed at how my brain had so much positive energy that I could go for a walk but the muscles in my back were screaming at me to just relax. Quite a difference and all because I decided to let go of a few "shouldas".

ABC's and everyday

2011-03-20T10:07:00.004-04:00

ABC's ... ABC's! ABCDHIJKLMNOPQRSTUV...WX .... Y and Z!

That's how she says her ABC's. Over and over every day because she loves them. I am amazed at how quickly she has learned them as well as her ability to identify them when she sees them. Why is it that people try to make their little einstein children when kids will learn at insane rates when they are interested in the topic?

I haven't been blogging for fear of being annoying and redundant lately. Between someone who loves to wake up before 530 (fukkin' hell!), a sacrum that feels like it is getting pulverized every day and all the hormonal ups and downs that happen in the last two weeks before a baby gets cut out - well, that's my life lately. The baby dropped some time between Tuesday and Wednesday morning last week which sort of freaked me out since I never experienced that with Sweet One. Luckily, the insane pain went away by Thursday and I've adjusted to peeing every 20 minutes and feeling like the baby could fall out at any time.

Nesting has been insane over the past month. Every wall in my house has been cleaned, we got our carpets professionally cleaned, rooms have been deep cleaned and on top of that I've almost finished filling my deep freeze as well as countless hours at the sewing machine doing little projects here and there. Yesterday I told Big Love we needed to clean one more time before the baby comes and he looked at me very carefully and asked, "the walls again, too?" Good lord he's funny! I reassured him it's just the basics so that we don't have to worry about it for awhile and that I also want to take care of those little bits of things that are always lying around because I never got around to finding a place for them.

One great thing is our weather seems to have moved onto spring with the sun making some appearances. Two days ago it was 60 degrees out and we had a great time outside. Yesterday got up to 45 but with the sun it felt beautiful. Sweet One and I went for a walk (her pace is definitely better for me these days!) and then spent some time in the backyard. Believe it or not, we found carrots in the garden that I never dug up last fall and they are perfectly edible!

My definition of a Lenten Discipline

2011-03-09T15:36:00.005-05:00

Why does everyone think that Lent means deprivation? Yes, I know that some denominations require people to not eat certain foods, but the idea of a Lenten Discipline is not only about 'giving up' something. It can also mean adding something into your daily life.

The first time that I ever implemented a Lenten discipline into my life was the year we got pregnant with Sweet One. Big Love and I decided to do The Book of Common Prayer's Morning Prayer together every morning. We were on a role and it really started to mean something. The only reason I didn't finish it was because I ended up on the other side of the continent caring for my elderly Grandfather who passed away while I was there.

The first time I heard of a Lenten discipline, despite being raised by a pastor, was during my second or third year of University. I attended a private University that at that time was a institution of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada. I attended chapel services regularly on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, as well as once in awhile on a Tuesday or Thursday right before supper. Quite honestly, the latter services always ended up going too long for me and I'd be sick from hunger each time so they were not a common occurrence for me. At some point in Lent the Chaplain told us his Lenten discipline that year was to walk to work every day and make sure that his path took him through the graveyard. He said that it gave him a time for reflection very different than other times in the day. Hearing his story about his walk has stayed with me for the past ten years. *

I believe that a Lenten Discipline is something that gives you time to reflect on your spirituality; developing a deeper understanding of God's presence in your daily life. It doesn't always have to be something that breaks you from addictions such as caffeine or chocolate, as those are some of the most common ones I've heard people mention. Giving up consumables is not the only option.

I do not remember the last time I went to church. Sweet One only wants to get to the front of the church and sit at the organ with her Daddy. I have struggled with my personal sense of spirituality since I moved to this town. I'm giving up sleep on a regular basis for Lent this year! Ha! I mean, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and will have this baby cut out of me in three weeks and a few days so my challenge is to do absolutely everything I can to keep myself together and be the best mom I can be. Stating my belief in what a Lenten Discipline is just my opinion and at this point it, unfortunately, is not an opinion that I put into practice.

*Hey T, were you there that day shadowing your Dad for "Take your kid to work day?" Or perhaps it was one of your older siblings.

A summer dress for Sweet One

2011-03-05T20:08:00.003-05:00

I finally finished this little dress for Sweet One. I won the primary material from a blog and I had such high hopes for this dress using McCalls pattern 5835. I got very frustrated with the armholes section. I find that McCalls is greatly lacking in their design of toddler dresses by how they have you fold and sew them. For someone like me who wants to improve my skills, it rarely sets me up for success. I'm going to try to stick with Simplicity and New Look patterns for this in the future. I was, however, very excited about how my gathering of the ruffles turned out. This was probably the most successful I've ever been with such a large gathering section.

All in all, I hope Sweet One enjoys wearing it. One of the reasons I want to be able to do a good job of her dresses is because I can choose materials that remind me of so many little boutique stores that sells unique clothes which I can not afford. I think that with my combination of materials I chose for this dress that I am on my way to doing that. Now to just perfect more of my sewing skills. (Like that will happen in the next 6 months!)

One man's struggles

2011-03-02T14:46:00.007-05:00

During our weekly trip to the library today I ended up chatting a bit with a dad who I had never seen there before. It didn't take him long to tell me about some of the largest struggles in his life and I got the impression that he is both lonely and desperately wanting change without really knowing how to approach either.

He had a rare day off and decided to take his eldest son, who is five years old, to the library to look at books about trucks. There was a pile of neglected books as the son spent the whole time playing in a large helicopter that our library has. I can honestly say that he sounded sad and frustrated where his life is at the present time - too much work and not enough functioning relationships. Two kids, 5 and 2, each with different mothers. A self-employed man soon approaching 30, he told me how his work keeps him in his car for the majority of his time driving to and from places to purchase high end fashion and shoes. The time requirements of this job had "ruined every relationship I've ever had". From the sound of it, the work pays well and he had been able to provide his children's moms with Juicy Couture purses and other high end items that they wanted. He alluded to many arguments during his previous relationships revolving around how much he worked. In his opinion, if he got a different job that kept him around more they'd all have to wear Walmart clothing.

"I don't wear designer clothes but I don't wear Walmart clothes, either," was my response. The way I understood it was that he believed he either has to work as hard as he does to make lots of money and have the fancy things or be broke. I strongly think there is so much room in between these, especially since that is where we live. I left feeling sad for this dad who, at 30, seems to be floundering and not sure how to stop. Revealing so much to a complete stranger within the time span of maybe 10 minutes seems to be a cry for help and a feeling of loneliness - desperate for someone to hear his struggles. Luckily at 30 there is so much life left that if he chooses, he can figure out a way to be happier and build better relationships for himself. To me it was obvious that he was concerned about his relationship with his sons and I hope he can start there.

Her shining face

2011-02-28T14:17:00.002-05:00

I heard a few noises I suspected was her door opening and a foot landing on one of the multiple noisy spots of our original oak floors. I decided to see if she would make her way downstairs but after a few minutes there was no sign of her peeking around the bend of our stairs. After making my way up the first seven stairs and turning 90 degrees, I saw my Sweet One sitting at the top waiting for me. With her baby in her arms and a face fresh as only it can be after a good nap, she lit up with an enormous smile as soon as she saw me.

A loving instinct

2011-02-22T19:29:00.004-05:00

This afternoon as we took advantage of the brilliant sun and snow, she watched them chase each other up and down the sidewalk. The eldest would tackle the younger ones and growl as he pretended to devour his kill. The longer the game went on, the more the younger ones begged to be let go, tired of constantly being the prey. Sweet One laughed at all the silliness she saw as her friends played. She plays with them as much as she can; she iruns up and down the sidewalk either behind trying to catch up or in front as she knows they will soon be passing her. She adores her friends. Three boys ages 7, 4.5 and 3. Their play is some of the only play she has known with kids.

Because she has only really seen boys play together I am completely amazed at the instinct she shows with her new doll. After reading about another young child's love of these dolls, I ordered one and it arrived last week. Sweet One's initial reaction was awe. "Baby!" she whispered as if it had been touched by angels. Slowly she allowed herself to touch it but only on the arms. Eventually she made her way to holding it with one arm and carrying it around the house. Now Sweet One makes sure her baby goes to sleep with her at naptime and at night. She gives it kisses goodnight as she smiles and gets comfy under the covers. If she comes out of bed to get a little more attention, she is carrying her baby.

I truly don't know how she learned to play with her doll. As far as I know she has never seen a girl play with one before, unless it has been while we're at MOPS. This instinct blows my mind and I wish I understood more. I am hoping that showing such love and attention to her baby will help the transition of having a new baby in the house. Who knows how Sweet One will adjust to not be the sole being at the center of my world but I do know we'll figure it out as we go.

Call me Alexander

2011-02-20T09:31:00.003-05:00

A few moments after Sweet One went down for a nap she had a dirty diaper and so I changed her and put her back in her bed but it took another twenty minutes for her to finally go to sleep. I was so tired and knew that the afternoon was turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon.

The alarm didn't go off because I set it for 1:55 am so I didn't get to have my latte and Sweet One only napped for 55 minutes after being up very early in the morning. This was turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon.

We hopped in the car to do a few errands and as I was driving down the hill with two cars parked on my right side I heard a bang. I looked over and noticed that I no longer had a passenger rear view mirror so I did a u-turn and checked on the the vehicles but there were no marks on them and there was no mark on my car. This pregnant fog was making it even harder to have a good afternoon. I think I should move to Nova Scotia.

We drove to the dealership and they were closed. I'll have to go to on Monday. We went to the giant store and got the few things we needed. Sweet One was good for most of the time except when we were leaving because she didn't want to put her mittens back on. I told her it was cold. I told her the wind would make her hands very cold. She wouldn't listen. So she cried all the way to the car. This was continuing to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon!

I put Sweet One in the car and she cried for her mittens so I put them on. Then we drove about half a mile to stop at the nearest Tim Horton's because I needed coffee and I decided to get some Timbits for us. When we were pulling out of the drive thru I looked into my rear view mirror at Sweet One and realized that I had forgotten to finish buckling her in when she freaked out and wanted her mittens. I was beside myself. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon!

Sweet One enjoyed eating a few Timbits and we managed to get to Big Love's workplace without any more problems. When we got home things were a little better so I think I'll worry about moving to Nova Scotia another day.

Almost there!

2011-02-16T19:49:00.002-05:00

For the past three weeks my dining room has looked like this.

With small projects on my To-Do list and then one large project that our contractor is doing, it has felt like a gong show. Previously there was a bathroom with black mold and sewage lines that were leaking where you now see the 'Florida Mango' walls. Since we really don't need a full bath on the main floor we thought that bringing the laundry appliances up from the basement would make our lives much easier. The half bath part is functional and it has been nice not to have to run upstairs constantly with this baby sitting on my bladder!

Unfortunately, our contractor has taken longer than he expected (what contractor doesn't!) and the time for he and his new wife to go to Israel arrived. I really don't have a problem with this. I didn't even mind that a lot of the mess you see in the picture was left behind and I spent half an hour yesterday moving tools and other miscellaneous construction things into the bathroom myself. Our contractor does very good work for an even more reasonable fee. His work ethic seems to be to do things well and inexpensively. Perfect for us.

So in a few weeks things should all be wrapped up!